Bodily Functions

I Get No Respect

2010-12-21T11:10:00.004-07:00

I've been doing this blog thing for I don't know how long. I think since the Nixon Administration. Andrew sent me this story from CNBC.

Wait what? I'm in the basement for a few months and CNBC decides to get up in my business.

Hey Larry Kudlow and Jim Cramer: stay in your lane. Get back on your Squawk Box and leave the Bodily Functions to the professional professionals who understand everything that comes with a Bodily Function.

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This morning I walked out the door in shorts and a t-shirt to find about 45 feet of snow in my driveway. What is this, December?

I like when it snows. Just don't snow on my driveway. Since my taxes aren't used to plow my street more than once a year, they should be used to build an apparatus that blocks the snow from my driveway, my street, my path to work, and all roads that lead to the Wingshak.

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I'm driving on the freeway yesterday avoiding pot holes and making good time. Look, a UHP car. I slow down. He's going painfully slow. I pull up next to him to see if the cop is paying attention. It's a guy dressed as Santa Claus. Merry Christmas!

There should be a ban on all white Ford Crown Victoria car sales in Utah. If anyone drives one they should be instructed to roll it into Utah Lake. Don't they realize they look like a cop? Everyone (well, maybe just me) despises them for making us arrive at our destination about 45 seconds later because we had to hit our brakes.

Let's blame the democrats for this one, too.

Joe Theismann Leg

2010-09-13T16:12:00.006-06:00

A few of my friends think I have something wrong with me.

A little late to the party on that one.

They think I'm crazy flexible. At least my leg.

I remember doing stretch tests in high school. We had to sit down on the ground with our legs straight and stretch forward. They would measure how far you could stretch.

I stretched.

Then the teacher told me to start stretching.

"I am stretching."

"Oh."

I scored negative points.

Anyway, take a look at this picture. It's not that great but apparently the lower part of your leg isn't supposed to bend forward like that. A few are freaked out by it. It's not like I'm Joe Thiesmann or something.

I had a great trip with Jed and Ross to Colorado Springs. Google Maps had us drive up Mt. Deliverance. Minor debacle. Good thing we didn't see a a creepy kid playing the banjo. Too bad Saturday afternoon was a major debacle. Wow that was ugly. At least I had a Sausage McMuffin on the trip.

Pickle Police

2010-08-06T12:25:00.002-06:00

I love pickles.

Outside of bacon, fudge, nachos, buffalo wings, and anything from a cow, there isn't anything better.

I went to Subway and got a tasty 6" sandwich.

I always get a little bit of lettuce and extra tomatoes and extra pickles.

Delicious.

I tell the Sandwich Artist my toppings desires and she throws down 2 pickles. I pipe up and ask for a lot of pickles.

She busts out one more pickle.

America didn't have rationing this severe during WWII. I didn't realize we were in the middle of a pickle shortage. Hopefully there won't be rolling pickle blackouts across the country.

President Obama, if you can't step in and give what every American truly wants - a college football playoff - then stop this pickle debacle. Give us a pickle stimulus package.

Dear Angelina Jolie

2010-07-30T21:55:00.002-06:00

Dear Angelina Jolie,

I saw your movie Salt. I'd like the two hours back I wasted seeing your movie. If you can't do that, a refund for my ticket would be great.

Thanks.

PS - Roger Ebert gave it 4 stars. 4 stars!!

Day of Days

2010-07-14T00:26:00.005-06:00

July 13, 2010.

What a fantastic day.

3 reasons.

1 - Had a great date! More on that in a minute.

2 - It's Nikki's birthday on the 13th day of July. Happy Birthday, Nikki! Nikki, it's your birthday, people!!!

3 - Al Jefferson was traded to the Jazz. We'll look back on the 07.13.10 as the day the missing piece to the Jazz championship team arrived. (Hey, I can dream, right? All kidding aside, score one for our side. Great move.)

Back to the hot date!! Went to Ruby River and to Paul McCartney with my Mom for her birthday.

Or, as Paul would say, me Mum.

Paul was amazing. Amazing. (That's him playing "The Long and Winding Road".) Played for almost 3 hours straight. No intermission. Cranked out the songs all night long. It's amazing a guy who is 68 can sound that good.

I figured out what the greatest job is in this wide world. Playing with Paul. How awesome would that be to play with Paul McCartney for 3 hours a night and to chill with him? Freaking awesome that's how awesome.

There were a ton of great moments:

- I love "Venus and Mars". Such a good little Paul song.

- "Something" blew my mind, especially when they started to show pictures of George. Things seemed to get a bit dusty around where I was sitting then.

- "I've Just Seen a Face" was great. Top 3 Paul songs in my mind.

- "Back in the USSR" was saweeeet.

- I'm not a big "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" guy, but that blew the roof off the building. Best performance of that song ever. Ever.

- "Live and Let Die" and "Band on the Run" were great. Paul sounded awesome on "My Love".

- "I've Got a Feeling" rocked. Love that song. So did "Helter Skelter". Probably the two songs I looked forward to hearing most.

- "Blackbird" and "Yesterday" were exactly what you expected. Fanastic.

I have some great Academy Award winning cinematography footage from my iPhone, but I'm an idiot and can't figure out how to upload the videos on here. A beered up Ray Ramano walks by and, surprisingly, the sound is good. You can even hear the guy who was holding the phone sing along with a song. I thought he was Frank Sinatra at first.

Flight Back from Boston

2010-06-20T22:02:00.003-06:00

I went to Boston for a few days with Joe. Saw a couple of Sox games. Great trip. Had great seats for each game.

Instead of the play-by-play of the trip, here's a few memorable moments:

The drunk lady at Fenway yelling at us to stand up and chant "Beat LA" then telling us that the reason why no one else was standing up was because it's a racist town.

The name of our waitress at a diner in Somerville - Dotty.

Hitting the 99 in Worcester. (Woooosta!!!)

Basketball Hall of Fame

I wanted to spend the majority of space talking about my flight back from Boston. Unfortunately, we got stuck in a certain city that starts with "C", ends with "O" with hicag in the middle. Our shuttle driver to the hotel in Chicago that night had a good bit about how airlines charging for bags was the best thing that could happen. That way his wife doesn't take so much stuff on trips.

Anyway, I sat next to this little girl who just got out of the 2nd grade. She was flying by herself to visit her grandparents in Salt Lake. She didn't say much at the beginning of the flight. Then about 30 minutes into the fight, the fireworks began.

By fireworks I mean vomit from her mouth.

She threw up all over the floor (she's in the aisle, I'm in the middle). Vomit just kept coming out. I grabbed the little barf bag and held it to give her a projectile target.

The flight attendant came by and put club soda and salt on the throw up. This strengthened my testimony in my greatest source of learning great because on the flight out, I watched a show where they talked about how if you get to a fresh stain, club soda and salt gets it out.

TV is always right.

Anyway, the flight attendant put the pre-coffee stuff (can you tell I've never had coffee??) on the floor so we didn't have to smell vomit the entire flight. Bacon was not used. Shame.

Other highlights from the young entertainment:

The little girl asked the flight attendant about every 20 minutes how much longer we have left.

She laughed real hard when she hit me just to wake me up.

She wanted to know if me and the lady on my other side were boyfriend / girlfriend.

The best conversation went like this:

Her: What do you do in Utah?
Me I work for a bank.
Her: Has there been any bank robberies lately?
Me: Nope. Have you robbed a bank recently?
Her: No!!

While we were descending, I asked her if she was feeling okay and she said, "Yes. Thank you for caring."

After we landed, she gave each flight attendant a hug as well as the pilot. Then she saluted the pilot and said, "Aye-Aye Captain!"

Wedding Talk

2010-06-10T22:42:00.004-06:00

My awesome cousin got married today. Congrats Jennifer!

Before I share my thoughts from her reception, let me tell you about a dream I had last week.

I was playing outside linebacker for BYU against TCU. We were playing on the field west of the stadium. The first half was great. I thought I played awesome even though I don't remember making a play.

The second half was about to begin. I went to the field but the game wasn't there anymore. I went to the stadium and they were playing there. Thanks for telling me.

A certain BYU coach whose name starts with a "B" and ends with "ronco" was pretty ticked. He told me to stop reading "that dumb book".

No idea what book he's talking about.

Then I made him laugh.

That was the dream. I liked it.

Back to the wedding talk.

I spoke with my sweet Aunt Ruby, my grandpa's sister. She asked if I was married, yada, yada, yada.

She told me that her son never married and he died from cancer when he was 40, so that could be my calling in life.

Thanks, Aunt Ruby.

Happy Birthday

2010-05-24T11:38:00.004-06:00

Happy Birthday, Mother Dearest!

It's my Mom's birthday today. It snowed today and my mom said she can't remember it ever snowing in her 29 years of existence. Pretty incredible since I'm the big 3-0.

She did a fantastic job raising me because I'm amazing.

She gets an A+ in child rearing because she's the reason why I love the Beatles and bleed blue.

Thanks, Mom.

Kevin Costner is Amazing.

2010-05-19T14:40:00.018-06:00

Not only does he make quality movies, but he's fixing the oil spill problem.

People love to argue with me about his movies. I simply point out that they're wrong because he's in good movies.

Everyone can't wait to blurt out Waterworld and The Postman before I can say anything. Which, by the way, have you seen The Postman? Didn't think so. How can you say it's bad if you haven't seen it?

The latest is Robin Hood was soo lame. Whatever. Don't act like you didn't love that when it came out. Everyone did. The only movie that made more money in 1991 was Terminator 2. Take that Beauty and the Beast and Fried Green Tomatoes!!

You think I'm crazy? Here's 11 pieces of evidence:

(click on the picture see the trailer)

Silverado

American Flyers

The Untouchables

Bull Durham

Field of Dreams

Dances with Wolves

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

JFK

Wyatt Earp

Thirteen Days

Open Range

Boom goes the dynamite.

New Website

2010-05-10T11:44:00.004-06:00

I've been busy working on my new website. A website that brings elegance back. A return to it, if you will. Check it out:

scottbodily.com

Please note - I didn't actually make the site. There's another person with my awesome name.

Remember When I Used To Blog?

2010-02-09T15:56:00.009-07:00

I've had a few bloggish items in my life that have come and gone since I last jumped on my blog pirch. It's like all of you are waiting for the Bodily Functions Conclave and white smoke.

Yep, I made a Pope joke. And it wasn't even the classic "does the Pope wear a funny hat" joke that is just timeless.

By the way, other timeless jokes include:

- Asking the cashier if they take American Express or personal checks if there is a large sign saying they don't.

- Saying that 30 Rock is the best drama on TV.

- Saying that a non-sports fan on the front row of a basketball game is like Stevie Wonder at a silent movie.

- What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

Anyway, I...

- went to Cincinnati with Jason to see the Jets / Bengals playoff game. It's butt cold in Cincinnati in January. Wasn't sure if you knew that. Jason and I eat well on these trips. Lots of steak and lots of buffalo wings. It never gets old.

- went to New Orleans with Joe for the Cardinals / Saints playoff game. Joe was crippled and I loved it. Got to be the first in line through security, great parking. Doesn't get better. Except Joe couldn't walk.

Jason is a die-hard Bengals fan and Joe is a die-hard Cardinals fan. I wasn't exactly good luck for them. I called my Ute friends and asked them if they wanted me to attend any of their football games next year.

- sat courtside to watch Jimmer take over against Utah. One of the better moments at the Marriott Center.

- sweet-talked my way into a free shirt at a BYU game. Only problem is that it was a size small. I tried it on when I got home. The jaws of life helped me get out of the shirt.

- had a dream where BYU solved their inside scoring problem by trading James Anderson to the Phoenix Suns for Amare Stoudemire.

- talked to my friend Shane and told me that he finds great joy when he googles something and his blog is the first result. I googled "blood clot" and "mustache" together in the same search and this blog was the third entry. Boo ya.

- realized the greatest day in the history of days is coming: my fantasy baseball draft. It's time to start thinking of ways to hide the fact that I love Ryan Braun from the rest of the league. I'm in big trouble if they search "blood clot" and "mustache" together.

I Love Me Some Fudge

2009-12-17T16:07:00.004-07:00

Holy biff. Fudge is good.

If my arm was fudge I would gnaw on my arm all the days of my life.

2 questions:

Why is fudge restricted like bacon? It seems that all things delicious are rationed like it's WWII. You are never given enough. A man needs some man fudge, not some little kid fudge.

Why is fudge only available in December? There has to be a longer fudge harvest than 30 days. Obama has to come up with a fudge stimulus package. Hey, if we can't find jobs, at least we can eat fudge.

Sure, the general wellness of the world would shift to the side of portly. I know there's been a few fudge ripples in my pants, but it's worth it.

Another Pretty Good Little Saturday

2009-11-29T00:17:00.008-07:00

A few thoughts from November 28, 2009.

-- Royal blue is my new favorite color. Actually, it's always been, but it's one of those things you forget you really like until it comes up again.

-- I hate how these games always come down to the end. I had 6 paramedic teams on call just for me.

-- There was this old guy who stood and watched the game on the walkway below us. He looked like he was from the planet Vulcan with eyebrows Lewis and Clark used as caches to hide food for their trip back from finding a water way to the Pacific.

I doubt he had a permit for his eye brows.

Andy Rooney thought they were out of control.

Of course I yelled some comments his way involving his Vulcan ancestry and the fact that he was a Ute. My favorite things spoken were:

"Your planet was blown up!"

"Beam up his eye brows, Scottie!"

"Live long and not prosper!" Yeah...I showed him!!

-- I love O'Neill. Either because he hit my roommate's car, or he broke that punt return and pulled a soccer flop with that fair catch interference call in the 4th.

-- The last thing I muttered to Joe before the final play:

"I hate this empty set formation."

-- Joe, Hall and I have hugged each other way too many times over the past few years.

-- I jumped onto the field after the game. You can see me on the highlight where George is crowd surfing. Flashback to the last time I rushed on the field. BYU vs. UCLA in the Vegas Bowl.

I jumped onto the field, ran around (by "ran" I mean not running, just kinda walking around), said good game to Lance Reynolds, said hi to Dick Harmon. Real tender moments. Went back to the Venetian, went out to eat, then back to the room. I then noticed right then that I had completely ripped my pants. Crotch all the way up my butt.

Now back to Saturday night. No rip in the pants. I guess I'm not that fat.

-- But, on second thought...I'm in the crowd of people on the field. Romney Fuga is pushing through. I slap him on the shoulder pad and tell him good game. He then pushes my back and tells me to help him out and lead the way through the crowd.

Remember, He's not Brian Logan. He's a nose tackle. 6'1" 305 lbs. And wearing pads. And he asks me to blaze a trail.

Hmm. Perhaps a salad or two is needed in the old diet. If it's topped with bacon, of course.

Bippity boppity bacon.

Unedited Rambling

2009-11-19T17:03:00.003-07:00

I haven't blogged in a coon's age.

I went to my blog today and 17 people have checked it today! Crazy.

This entry, my friends, will be a stretch. I've been to New Orleans with Derrick and Karen (and Summer!), San Diego with Dave, and Vegas with Dan. All were memorable voyages for BYU games, but I can't really remember anything. I'm old, remember?

A few people (Brenda) said I need to get my butt in gear and blog about something. If this entry isn't up to par, blame those people (Brenda).

I've decided to jot down 5 thoughts that come to my mind. I'll keep typing with no backspaces or deleting. Let my huge head roll! Here goes:

1 - My flight back from San Diego was cancelled. Long story short, I had to rent a car and drive home. I called up Alamo and told the lady I'd like to rent a car. Her response was:

"What do you want me to do about it?"

So good.

My friend Clifford Clavin said, "If she was at the Alamo in 1836, we'd all be wearing sombreros right now."

I need an edit button on this thing. (Tommy Boy) Perhaps making dumb jokes will lead to a life like Cliff. Hmm. Interesting theory. I know I can come up with something better. How about...

I'd have better luck finding the basement at the Alamo than getting a car from her.

Yep, a Pee Wee's Big Adventure joke.

Much better. I mean it's Pee Wee. Pee Wee.

2- I went to Subway today for lunch. Dave ordered before me and got a 6-inch sandwich. The Sandwich Artist then asked both of us, "Would you two like anything else?"

Nope. We're going to split a 6-inch sandwich. 2 men will split a 6-inch sandwich. 2 men, who aren't small, will split a 6-inch sandwich.

3- Someone asked me earlier this week what I think about during the day. Excellent question. Real easy.

During my morning shower, I think about what I want for lunch in 5 hours. That thought process usually drags me out until I actually eat lunch. During lunch I think about either A) my fantasy baseball team, B) BYU football C) BYU's recruiting classes the next few years, and D) what sounds good for dinner. Thought D stays on the brain until I get home. I think about D some more. Then I eat dinner. The lunch thought process starts again except I think about lunch the next day instead of dinner.

4- I went to the Village Inn with James on Saturday. I saved my two strips of bacon for last. The waitress came over and asked me if I was done. What? I looked down to see if the bacon had magically disappeared off my plate. Still there. Of course I'm not done. Don't you see bacon still on the plate? Silly waitress. What kind of a question is that? I can't think of a better reason to fight someone than if they take your bacon. It's go time.

5- I'm hungry. Bacon sounds good right now.

A Pretty Good Little Saturday

2009-09-07T00:24:00.016-06:00

I went to Dallas on Saturday to begin the Fall of Scott. What's the Fall of Scott you might ask? It's Scott going to every BYU game this fall.

What a great way to start the Fall of Scott. My personal record for the amount of men hugged in 5 minutes was shattered.

This is how Oklahoma Saturday went down:

I slept in. Woke up around 9:30 AM.

Joe picked me up at 10:25 AM. We drove to the Provo airport and we were in the air by 10:35 AM. Taking a private plane is the way to go. I was able to take my guns and didn't have to put my toiletries in a little baggy.

The plane ride was about 2.5 hours. We played some cards with my Chairman Mao playing cards I got from some friends who went to China.

We landed in a general airport a few miles away from DFW. I always like going to Dallas, but I just can't get used to the humidity. I sweat when it's 35 degrees. Use your imagination and think of me in 90 degree weather and 60% humidity.

After a stop at a BBQ joint, we went to the stadium.

Words can't describe the giant screen there. You can see the pores on the faces of the people. Here's a shot of the screen. Besides noticing how giant the screen is, notice the field goal post on the bottom left of the picture. Look how high the seats are at the top.

Here's a shot of the screen from my seat.

You can't even make out shapes of people in the picture on the other side of the field. This place is massive.

The view of the field from my seat.

Not a bad view.

In case you missed it, BYU won. Tears of joy. It was one of those moments that I'll never forget. Here's a few more pictures of the group and the team doing the Haka.

We flew back that night and landed in Provo around 1:30 AM. This is when the greatest Saturday ever had an unbelievable ending.

Apparently, we were the first plane into Provo from the game. The team flies directly into Provo. People were there waiting for the team to arrive. I don't know if the people thought the entire team fit into our plane, or they knew it would be funny.

The group started cheering and going crazy when we got off the plane. Sort of felt like we were The Beatles landing at JFK in 1964.

A great ending to a pretty good little Saturday.

Where's Kevin?

2009-09-01T00:11:00.004-06:00

Let me share an appetizer before the main course for this weblog entry tonight.

I was home teaching tonight. It is the 31st, remember. I looked down and I noticed my socks. The left one was an ankle sock. The right one was a regular sock. I had gone all day with that combo. It's a good thing I have the legs to pull it off.

Now for the main course - Where's Kevin?

Kevin is my dad. Pops, if you will. Many of you have wondered where he's been. Some of you know his job is in Provo. Actually, it's in my ward boundaries. I've always thought he was working at Zoobies. I've seen a few ads around Provo hinting he's doing something different. Turns it he is Reza Athari: Abogado de Immagracion.

I Dropped A Foul Ball

2009-08-26T09:13:00.003-06:00

I went to a Bees game with a pretty girl on Tuesday. 3rd row on the third base side. Pretty good seats.

I was talking to her about the time I went to Fenway Park and a 13 year old kid misjudged a pop up behind home plate. It missed his glove and hit him in the eye socket. There was a loud pop, the ball bounced up in the air, and the kid collapsed into his dad's arms. It wasn't a pretty site.

About 30 seconds later, the batter pulled a ball foul and it's heading right towards us. It wasn't a lazy pop up. This puppy was the Millenium Falcon making its jump to lightspeed. I didn't have time to think so I stuck out my left hand to catch it. It hit me right in the palm, there was a loud pop, and the ball bounced 2 rows in front of me.

Talk about feelin' like a tough guy. The crowd gasped and I got some serious man points by blocking the ball that was locked in on her face. It's nice to know in a moment of despair, I channeled my inner Secret Service protecting the President instincts rather than the George Costanza duck and run away for cover instincts.

Did I mention that it hurt? Of course I acted all cool like I was fine. It's not any better today. I can move my hand and fingers. But turning on a light switch is even a chore. I can't type with anything but my pinky and thumb and I can't grip anything.

I told James about it and we talked about how if I broke both hands and am unable to do any wiping activities, that's when I find out who my true friends really are. Let's just say he's glad my right hand is functioning and doesn't have to face that decision.

A Day in the Life

2009-08-20T21:55:00.007-06:00

I read the news today oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
Although the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh

I'm watching Mall Cop today. I rented this from a Red Box on Friday. I still haven't watched it. I'm paying $7.00 to watch this. Ironically, that's the same amount the movie made at the box office.

A day in the life for me today consists of two stories. They're not that exciting. But you're reading, so I might as well write something.

I just got back from EFY with Jimmy and Danny. (I call FYE EFY. We are not attending EFY. Let's get that clear.) They've taken the Mr. Mac approach to customer service - hounding you as soon as you walk in the door. There was a big picture of Will Smith in the window as we were walking in, so I started to repeat the Will Smith line he says in every movie. Remember to say the L's in hell like an O: Oh heo no. Maybe I'm the only one who says it like that. But I like to say it.

Anyway, I'm repeating it a billion times as I'm walking in. The kid who looks and acts a lot like the kid at Krusty Burger was there at the door. I glance at him as I'm repeating the line to Jimmy over and over.

Apparently, he asked me if we needed help. My response:

Oh heo no.

Second story.

I was at the bank. A young mom was there with some 4 screaming kids. They wanted candy and she was trying to grab the candy jar. I helped her out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.

The jar was way small, and I have fat hands. I clenched my fist, so I couldn't get my hand out of the jar. The kids thought it was hilarious. I'm a riot.

The bank teller then tells me to unclench my fist and I can get my hand out.

Oh. Okay. Thanks. Couldn't have done it without him.

I'm excited.

2009-08-13T12:40:00.002-06:00

I'm growing out my mustache. Again.

Just kidding.

Someone better check on my mom to see if she passed out after reading that.

Although you had to admit that I had it goin' on with that thing.

23 days.

Football season is sooo close.

So, speaking of gay icons.

2009-08-06T17:00:00.006-06:00

I found out something this morning at or around 10:03 AM. I have NO idea where I've been. I found out something I should've known for a long time.

James made a reference to Margaret Cho. For some reason, I decided to look her up on Wikipedia instead of IMDB to find out what she's been in.

Call that prompting fate.

I noticed on her Wikipedia page she is a "gay icon". Hmm. I clicked on that link to see the history of gay icons.

There's a picture of Judy Garland on that page. Apparently, people would ask if you were a "friend of Dorothy". Apparently, it was a way of secretly asking if you were gay. Apparently, I say apparently too much.

I couldn't remember when she died, so I clicked on Judy Garland's Wikipedia page. (Died in 1969)

I read her entry. Then...

BOOM

Judy Garland is the mother of Liza Minnelli.

Holy crap.

Where the heck have I been? I thought I was plugged into pop culture. I watched SNL skits involving Liza Manelli. Even my love of history and Don Rickles would suggest I know this.

Nope.

Interesting facts from Liza Minelli's Wikipedia page:

Her childhood friends included Candace Bergan (Murphy Brown), Mia Farrow, and Frank Sinatra's daughter.

In her teenage years she dated Christopher Walken.

She babysat Ron Howard.

I can't believe I didn't know this. It's embarrassing. (Then why are you blogging about this?)

Someone said it's like not knowing who Gwyneth Paltrow's mom is. Uh...Ethel Merman?

I feel like knowing Judy Garland's daughter is more common knowledge. Like you should know that Secretary of State Clinton is the wife of former President Bill Clinton. I would pray that everyone knows that. Who knows. Has anyone else found out about something that was common knowledge?

Oh, I just thought of a good one. I'm not going back to erase, I'll just add. About two years ago it dawned on me. Bunnies don't lay eggs.

I'll say it for you:

How did you not know that?

I don't know. I don't know.

Band of Horses

2009-06-22T00:12:00.005-06:00

I love Band of Horses. I've been listening to them non-stop the past few weeks.

I'm not talking about this band of horses

or this one

but this one

First off, check out that sweet beard. You know they crank out good tunes if he's sporting that around.

Their sound is sort of kind of maybe like the Shins. Which is good. He has a unique voice, which is good.

They have a song called "Great Salt Lake" (Go ahead. Click on it. They don't bite.) This makes the count of songs about Salt Lake to 2. There could be more, but I don't know. Anyway, the 2nd one I know is "Salt Lake City" by the Beach Boys. (I'm pretty sure there is a 100% chance my Mom will click on this one.) They sing about Lagoon!

Back to Band of Horses. They rock. If you're looking for a new band to get into, check them out. I'll even have another song of theirs be the song of the day. It's called "Ode to LRC". Check it out. Get ready to live.

Jethro Tull Babe

2009-06-06T23:29:00.008-06:00

I like Jethro Tull. I just asked Jimmy how many people do we know who like Jethro Tull and we counted five. I'm guessing you are not one of them unless you are Ryan, Jeff, Jimmy's Dad, or Jimmy. You guys are missing out.

Look at him. He's got a lot of panache. He should open for Taylor Swift. How can you not like him? He looks perfectly normal.

One great thing about him is that he's part of the Blood Clot Brotherhood. On his website he talks about his brush with a blood clot, specifically a DVT. I found this picture of him sporting the sexy stalkings the BCB wear:

Yikes.

It reminded me of this picture for some reason:

Anyway, back to him

and the rest of my story.

I'm driving home from work on Friday. Beautiful day. My windows are down, my iPod is on shuffle and I'm enjoying the tunes. Skating Away by Jethro Tull kicks on while I pull up to the light at Freedom and University Parkway.

For those of you don't know anything about that light, it's so long that I stopped at Burger Supreme to see if Bassett, my roommate who had tuberculosis, was still working there with tuberculosis just like the good ol' days.

(I had a roommate my freshman year from Tunisia who tested positive for TB. And worked at Burger Supreme.)

When I got back into the car from checking to see if Bassett was there, I returned to rocking with the Tull. About a minute later I heard this voice, a girl voice, say, "Hey! Is that Jethro Tull?"

Talk about catching me off guard. Not only did someone recognize Jethro Tull, but a girl. A cute girl. A Jethro Tull babe.

I completely froze. I felt like Cliff Clavin whenever an attractive woman tried talking to him at Cheers.

So I respond with, "Yeah."

Great line. I can totally tell she loves my panache.

She says, "They rock!"

I say, "Yeah."

Yep. I'm smooooth.

JH Day

2009-06-04T09:36:00.004-06:00

I've been in a funk for about 8 months. To describe it, I need to borrow a phrase from Jed. He calls it "The BYU Depression". Well, the black cloud that is The BYU Depression is starting to fade away. There is hope. A new hope.

To mark this day, I thought of D Day being only two days away. I figured I had to give today a similar name since this day will go down in BYU history.

I wanted to call it TDJHCTBYU Day but it doesn't really have a good ring. Can you figure it out?

It's The Day Jake Heaps committed to BYU Day.

JH Day sounds much better.

JH Day is the highlight of my year with the obvious exception of when Jim Rome read when one of my emails on the air.

Heaps is A New Hope. I could go with a bunch of analogies using Luke Skywalker, Gandolf, etc. I'll go with Tommy Boy. Tommy is the one that saved Callahan Auto.

And he might know where the weight room is.

And can take dead animals to the vet.

And likes wingy.

And doesn't want things to get messy.

And straps road flares to his chest.

Has a fridge to keep six packs of...soda, milk, yogurt. Candybars. Anything he wants to keep cold.

Here comes the meat wagon!

And he had what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. He used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time. He'd get them lodged right in this region here.

Wow. What just happened? I think I just blacked out. Anyway, back to BYU.

Yesterday I drove by this nice car that had a pink BYU cheerleader sticker on the back window. I passed it and glanced over at the pretty girl.

It was a dude.

So awesome.

Found it.

2009-05-27T10:09:00.002-06:00

I haven't blogged in a bit. Nothing really blog-worthy. The only thing I thought about sharing with the people on the internet is that I went to this playsical with my mom a few weeks ago. American Fork Idol.

I was there about 20 minutes early. Someone was walking out from the back with stage make up on walking to the trunk of her car. Obviously she's part of the show.

I said to her, "Hey you got some red on your face."

She said, "It's because I'm part of the show."

Oh, really. Thanks.

So I lost my wallet on Monday. Every morning I spend five minutes trying to find my keys so looking for something isn't new to me. But I couldn't find my wallet in any of the usual spots.

I realized I left it at the movie theater. I went there, and they had it! I was nervous that some of stuff would be missing, like credit cards, cash, and more important things like my Tucanos points card and the five dollar Chinese bill I had from the Bodily adult Easter egg hung this year. Everything was there safe and sound.

Final thought: I can't believe I'm saying this but I want the Lakers to win. I hate the Nuggets. JR Smith makes me wanna puke everytime he makes a basket. No one hates Kobe more than me, but the Jazz don't need the Nuggets to have confidence going forward.

Sexy People

2009-04-21T10:50:00.003-06:00

This post is courtesy of my friend, Scott, who is a glorious blogger.

If you wanna laugh, check this out.

NYC / Baseball

2009-04-20T15:54:00.004-06:00

Got back from New York last night. Stayed at the glorious Gardner Hotel. It's one of the best places in town, including the best shower head I've ever used. This includes the awesome ones down at the Wynn in Vegas.

I saw some baseball games at the new Citi Field where the Mets play and the new Yankee Stadium. Personally, I liked Citi Field more. Probably because the Yankees suck. And Mountain Dew was cheaper. That always makes a difference.

On the flight out, I sat next to this guy who looked exactly like Cliff Huxtable’s Dad from the Cosby Show. He wasn't wearing one of Cliff's awesomely bad sweaters from the show. The only difference was the guy next to me was 25 years younger than Moses. He told me story after story about his life and where he’s been.

Grandpa Huxtable was getting his texting on, too. When we landed, he busted out his phone and texted the phrase, “we have landed”. He would type the w, bring the phone right up to his face to make sure he typed it correctly, brought the phone down and typed an e, brought the phone right up to his face, etc. Did this for the entire message. He started the text when we first touched down and he was still typing when we were walking out of the plane. Watching something like that would be considered tortue under the Obama Administration. Oh the political / current events humor. So fresh.

We went to an improve comedy club on Saturday night. One character that kept coming up was “Heathcliff” the old black guy who tells stories. Oh the irony. I sat next to him on the plane!

The other good times moment from the plane was my drink. Some would argue that calling this a “good times moment” is a stretch. Nevertheless… they had Fresca on the plane. I thought was a mini coup d’etat. No one has Fresca. The stewardess, I mean flight attendant, poured me a half glass and said that’s all she had. They only stock a flight with one can of Fresca. Bummer.

Well, the flight back, I asked for a Fresca again. Luckily they didn’t run out. The stewardess, I mean flight attendant, gave me the can and said, “take the whole thing. They only give us one of these cans per flight and no one ever asks for it.” Giddy up.

Bread

2009-04-05T19:17:00.004-06:00

I went to Vegas a few weeks ago for the annual March Madness event. Kept it real at the Wynn Encore. Watched games in front of 20 movie-size screens. Pretty good. I had my usual celeb sightings: Billy Packer, Kenny Smith, and Mike Ditka. I didn't have Ditka sign anything because I didn't have my Ditkacionary with me.

I won the music trivia challenge on the way back. The artist that won me the title: Bread. Thank you, Sam.

I bought Reclaiming History by Vincent Bugliosi. It's about the JFK assassination. Ryan said I would love the book since I love anything about that subject. (By the way, Ryan's birthday is on the 6th. Happy birthday.)

The only problem with the book is that it's very long. Like 1600 pages. That's about 1579 more pages than I've read in 2009. They even have a CD for notes. It's so big that I wear a weight belt everytime I pick it up. Considering how long it takes me to read a book, I'll give you my review in 2017. I wish they'd save me time and make into a movie or a documentary.

Finally, I'd like to thank Michigan State for making it to the championship game. I won my first March Madness pool this year because of them. Couldn't have done it without the mighty Spartans.

I Have The Same Shirt The Guy Wears In The Oops! I Crapped My Pants Commercial

2009-03-08T23:26:00.004-06:00

Before I get into how I have the same shirt the guy wears in the Oops! I crapped My Pants Commercial, daylight savings was today. I want to point out again that I didn't waste all day long (maybe 20 seconds) changing all of my clocks because I didn't change them in October. Look at you all following The Man. Suckers.

Back to how I have the same shirt the guy wears in the Oops! I crapped My Pants Commercial. I saw the commercial tonight on TV and I thought that I have the same shirt the guy wears in the Oops! I crapped My Pants Commercial.

Check it out:

Shirts aren't the only thing we have in common. Aheyo!

I Went To Vegas Last Weekend

2009-02-25T23:10:00.009-07:00

I went to Vegas over the weekend. Stayed at the Wynn.

Duh. Where else am I gonna keep it real?

A few highlights:

- I saw a pathetic basketball game.

- Had an expensive, yet free, rib eye steak from a the Botero. Delish.

- Saw Frank Thomas. He's a large human.

- Watched TV while I showered. Frank Thomas didn't see my while I showered. Pervert. That's just wrong.

- Got up at the butt crack of dawn to leave. I don't know, Ron. That sounds kinda crazy. I'd rather sleep in when I'm sleeping in the best bed in the world and I can crank the A/C on full blast.

Two Vegas tangents.

1 - Don Rickles was on Kimmel last night. With Regis! Talk about making my day. Rickles and Regis together. What else could a single 28 year old guy ask for?!? The best part about it was that Rickles said he'll be in Vegas next month. Guess who is going to be in Vegas next month? Giddy up!

2 - I went to the NBA All Star game when it was in Vegas a few years ago. I'm not gonna lie. I could've blogged about this already since it was the craziest 24 hours of my life. But I'm too lazy to go back and check.

Anyway, I found out I was going that day. An hour before the flight was leaving SLC. I was in Provo.

So I drove like a bat out of hell up to the airport. Dropped my car off at the 5 minute parking (thanks for picking it up, Dan and Spencer) and ran through the airport like OJ Simpson. No, not in a Ford Bronco or in Bruno Mali's. (Feel free to add your own OJ Simpson joke in the comments. This could get good.)

Remember those old commercials with Orenthal James Simpson? Weaving in and out of people, jumping seats, etc.

I was exactly like that but running over small women and children and stopping every 30 seconds for oxygen.

I got to our hotel (The Wynn, of course) and ran into Magic Johnson and Kenyon Martin before I even got to my room. Hey K-Mart, stay classy with that wife beater you were wearing.

The only other celebrity I remember seeing in person was Dave Chapelle. Oh and another. I'll talk about him later. But none of these fellas beat the time I saw Tom Kirkland playing blackjack at the MGM like five years ago.

Went to the game, pretty cool, saw Memo make money shot. Can't remember much else from the game. Except during a time out, they had these guys doing dunks on mini trampolines. Well, Gilbert Arenas grabbed a ball, ran down the court and jumped off the mini tramp and dunked the ball. His coach (who was coaching the East) about had a heart attack worrying he'll get injured. Oh, the irony.

(For those of you who don't follow the NBA or aren't in the greater DC area, Arenas signed a fat contract bigger than the stimulus bill. Oh, my jokes are so fresh. Anyway, he's been hurt all year.)

We get back and go eat an expensive, yet free, tasty steak at the Country Club at the Wynn. While eating, the power goes out. Oceans Elevenish. They ask us if we're okay waiting to get our food. Let me check, yep I'll wait for an expensive, yet free, tasty steak.

Afterwords, we slept for an hour because we needed 5 hours to go a 1/2 mile to the airport. There was a riot in the casino, fights were breaking out, patty wagons were outside, complete chaos.

Plus, no taxis could come in and pick us up at the hotel and taxis aren't allowed to pick up people on the street, allegedly. So we flag one down, demands that we pay an extra $20 bucks and up front. He get us there.

It took about two hours to go through security there. Everyone was getting out of Dodge to avoid the riots. The place was packed. However, I was amused by watching 6'11" and very tubby Shawn Kemp wait in line. And he was flying Southwest. A reality TV show should be based on former NBAers fitting in Southwest seats.

Anyway, I guess being a former NBA star doesn't have its privileges. Maybe it does, but not when you have 47 child support payments. Ahoyo! (Please leave your joke involving the mass amounts of illegitimate children Shawn Kemp has or his girth in the comments.)

Other jokes I had:

...And he was flying Southwest. He had to charter an entire plane for all of his kids.

Or...The place was packed. Shawn Kemp was there with all of his illegitimate children.

Or...Daddy come back! You didn't give me a hug. (Look at the guy in the picture running after Kemp.)

Or...I was amused by watching Shawn Kemp wait in line and realizing, "Hey wait a sec. This isn't the buffet line."

I think my favorite joke was the buffet one.

I doubt anyone has made it this far in the post. I didn't even make it this far. A few of Kemp's illegitamite kids finished it off for me. They said they finished it off "just like Daddy finishes off our gravy."

I Hate it When Nothing is on TV

2009-02-15T22:26:00.002-07:00

What are you supposed to do when there isn't anything on TV? I have like 500 channels and I can't find anything. The All-Star game was a joke. The Simpsons wasn't that funny. Debacle.

And don't give me this 'read a book' crap. Reading takes effort. I'd have to get up. Psshhht. Please.

I'm Growing a Beard

2009-02-12T21:08:00.004-07:00

First off -- a shout out to Abraham Lincoln. Happy birthday, big fella.

Now when I say "I'm growing a beard", I mean "I'm too lazy to shave." I got my hair cut a few days ago and Joe said I look like a "beard guy" -- a guy who grooms his beard and appears on Just for Men commercials. Thanks?

And the newest member of the "Crazy Guys with Beards Club" goes to Joaquin Phoenix. If you didn't see him on Letterman, check this out. (Conrad forwarded me the link) He's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. Joaquin, not Conrad.

The Time I Met Brett Favre and Reggie White

2009-02-08T20:59:00.006-07:00

About 12 years ago, I ran into Brett Favre. We started talking and then he asked if I wanted to go for a ride in his jeep. When a future NFL Hall of Famer asks you to go for a ride you say yes. So I did.

We ended up going to his apartment he had in Woods Cross. It was right by where Trolley North used to be. I walk in and the now late Reggie White was there chillin'.

We ended up hanging out and had a good time.

The next day I was at Ross' house watching ESPN in his basement. A story about Brett Favre came on. I jumped out of my seat to tell Ross and his brothers about how I hung out with Favre and Reggie in Woods Cross.

Then it hit me.

It was a dream.

I can't believe I forgot to add that to my greatest dreams ever list.

Speaking of Ross and forgetting things on a list, Ross reminded me about Don Rickles. How could I forget him off of my list of favorite guests on talk shows. Sorry, Don.

New Addition

2009-02-08T00:49:00.010-07:00

I figured you can add more than links on the side of your blog. I've added a poll, US Presidents history, Beatles history, and a blog list. Sorry, the daily puppy pictures didn't make the cut.

I wanted to broadcast all of your blogs with my boombox. Since my boombox is with my Trapper Keeper, the blog list will have to do.

If your blog isn't listed, there are two reasons:

1 - I forgot about it. Gimme a break, lady. It's late.

2 - You don't like Live Free or Die Hard.

Click on the picture and watch the trailer. The best two minutes of your life.

Check Out My New Lady Friend and My First Gray Hair

2009-02-03T10:38:00.001-07:00

Your first thought is like mine. Why do I have my t-shirt shirt tucked in? That's what you have to do to get the DC ladies who wear pant suits. I'm Smooooooth.

Speaking of nightmares, found my first gray hair. It sticks out like a sore thumb.

I've thought about pulling it out. I don't want that there.

But...

Is it a good idea for me to be pulling out hair? I'd rather be a silver beaver than a bald eagle.

Apparently, the bald bottle spilled a little too much into my gene pool. I've got hair jumping ship left and right like my head's the Titanic. Ironically, the circumference of the Titanic is the same as my head, but that's another blog post for another time.

So I Bought Something

2009-02-03T00:48:00.004-07:00

I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier considering I've seen nearly 2,000 hours of Hawkeye drinking out of a martini glass.

I bought some martini glasses. Yeah, pretty lame.

We had the inaugural drink while sipping on high class beverages. Xango and diet Sunkist.

And we followed James' suggestion and listened to Steve Winwood's Back In The High Life.

We followed that up by watching Steve Martin on Letterman. I've decided he's in my top 5 guests on talk shows. Others include Martin Short, Regis, Robin Williams, and Kate Beckinsale.

Of course she's only on there for purely physical reasons. It's a must situation to set the Tivo when Steve Martin, Martin Short, Regis, and Robin Williams are on any talk show.

I've Got Dreams. Dreams to Remember.

2009-02-01T02:00:00.011-07:00

Sing it, Otis. Great song.

I have crazy dreams. I've told you about the dream I had where Memo Okur stopped the WWII Nazis from attacking my house.

I've told you about me writing jokes for Sabado Gigante.

Other dreams include me giving a giant check to Ed McMahon for $10.00.

Another one was Paul McCartney cooking hot dogs in my kitchen. I asked him what was he doing. His response (say it in your Beatles accent): "I'm cooking meee frankfuhhhters I got from Albuhtsons."

I had another gem last night.

I was on Jeopardy.

Hot bacon.

With Josef Stalin and Henry Kissinger.

Biff.

We met before the game started. I remember thinking Stalin was smug and he's probably not as pleasant as he was acting.

I was mesmerized by Kissinger's voice. I wanted him to record my voice mail greeting but I was afraid I'd look like I was gushing over him or something. So I had him talk as much as possible.

I felt like the girl in Sneakers who wanted Warner Brandes to say "passport" because she said he liked his voice even though he thought it was nasally and pinched. I kept asking him open ended questions for him to talk. He seemed like a nice guy.

This Jeopardy wasn't your mama's Jeopardy. It was a cross between Jeopardy and the Arsenio Hall Show. All of us had cheering sections like Arsenio had his Dog Pound.

Stalin's group went crazy. I wondered what happened to the guys who didn't want to cheer for him.

Kissinger's group included Richard Nixon and some other people I didn't recognize--although I knew they were world leaders.

My group was just Grandpa. The very same Grandpa you see on your TV at the end of Jazz games.

The game turned out to be the bizzaro world of the Cheers episode where Cliff was on Jeopardy. Remember? All of the categories were aimed at him: beer, bar trivia, useless facts, mail, etc.

The categories in my game that I remember were Communism, Russian Geography, The Cold War, and The Nixon Administration.

After I saw the categories I muttered under my breath something like, "You've got to be kidding me."

Alex said, "Please Scott. Don't give us the question before we give the answer."

He even rips people down in their dreams!

That's where my dream ended. Not exactly the "first day of school" or "I forgot to wear clothes" dreams that everyone has. But I think I'll remember this one for a while.

Where's The Beef?

2009-02-01T01:41:00.002-07:00

Where's the beef? We got your answer, lady. Settle down. He's next to Lee Harvey Oswald.

But who is the Beef? Many (3) wondered who this Nick Beef character is that is next to Oswald. Well, the time I spent (90 seconds) doing research (the internets) told me that Nick Beef is a stage name for a comedian.

Apparently, he put a plot there so he could tell people where Lee Harvey Oswald is buried. The cemetary will not tell you where he's buried.

Yes, it seems fishy. But so do a lot of things surrounding Oswald.

Intergalactic Racism

2009-01-25T17:58:00.001-07:00

It's time for the Notorious B.O.D. Nation to rise up and makes their voices heard. Now is the winter of our discontent!

Intergalactic racism needs to stop. Certain species are elevated to glory while others simply are not.

What do you notice about this picture? That's right. Only Han Solo and Luke Skywalker received medals. Wookies and droids are humans, too, you know.

Chewbaca, R2-D2, and C-3P0 left out. They are not seen as equals because they're made of metal and hairy. But Chewie has a tender heart inside that furry shell. Just because he can't speak Basic doesn't mean he doesn't deserve honor and recognition. And don't tell me droids don't have feelings. No one is more sensitive than C-3P0.

Maybe it was because Luke and Han were obvious in their advances towards Lea while Chewie, R2-D2, and C-3P0 were not.

There are a plethora of reasons why Chewbacca, R2-D2, and C-3P0 should be treated as heroes and not like Jabba's green scum.

Chewbacca

- Yoda owes his life to one of the great ones from Kashyyyk. He saved Yoda after the droids turned against all of the Jedi.

- Made the Kessel Run with Han Solo in less than twelve parsecs. Anakin and Luke Skywalker could only dream of going that fast while cruising through Beggar's Canyon back home.

- Transported Luke and Obi Wan. Remember it was Chewie who Kenobi talked to, not Han. Pure speculation - perhaps Obi Wan remembered when Chewie helped the Jedi earlier.

- Used as the fake prisoner to get to Princess Lea's detention cell. Skywalker couldn't have pulled that off because he was too short to even be a stormtrooper.

- Helped pilot the Milennium Falcon with Han Solo during the Battle of Yavin before Luke launched his fateful shot that blew up the Death Star.

- Fixed the Milennium Falcon on Hoth.

- With Admiral Ackbar looking on, helped pilot the Milennium Falcon with Lando Calrissian to destroy the new Death Star.

- Took over an AT-ST walker in the Battle of Endor. Critics claim this was a turning point in the battle.

R2-D2

- Delivers the message to the only hope, Obi Wan Kenobi. (Uncle Owen has to be thanked here for actually purchasing R2-D2, linking R2-D2 with Luke and eventually with Obi Wan.)

- Shuts down all of the garbage smashers on the detention level.

- Holds Luke's light saber until Luke gives him the signal. How come you didn't do that, Han? Oh yeah. You couldn't see because you were too busy recovering from being frozen in carbonite. Maybe someone can call wine-one-one and get the the wambulance for you.

- Saves Padme Amidala a couple of times.
* From poisionous kouhuns
* Uses his rocket boosters to help her

- Used his sensors to locate Luke on Hoth.

- Fixes the hyper drive on the Millenium Falcon so they can escape the tractor beam after leaving the Cloud City on the planet Bespin.

C-3P0

- Convinced Uncle Owen to buy R2-D2.

- Offered any of his parts after R2-D2 was damaged after Luke and R2-D2 destroyed the Death Star. Although Luke got a little cooked, but was okay, R2-D2 was not.

It's interesting to note that droid parts were given to Luke to give him a hand later on. No human parts were offered to help R2-D2. Just hollow sympathy that delayed the celebration which excluded honors for Chewbacca, R2-D2, and C3P0.

Debacle of the Ages.

2009-01-22T00:36:00.007-07:00

Andrew sent me this video. I started to cry when I watched it. I can't take this world anymore.

Somebody call George Costanza at Tyson Chicken to get him to increase wing production.

Question and Unrelated Statement

2009-01-21T09:36:00.006-07:00

Let's start with the statement first.

My iPod went through the wash. Deeeeebacle. The only thing worse than washing my iPod is I thought that I could tell people I wanted to listen to cleaner music. That's so embarrassingly awful that I shouldn't speak of it again.

That reminds me of my six year old nephew Trevor. He called me up the other day and told me a joke. This is the conversation:

Trevor: Uncle Scott. I have a joke, but it's not very funny. I'm going to tell it to you anyway.

Me: Okay. Let's hear it.

Trevor: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Trevor: Nutcracker.

Scott: Nutcracker who?

Trevor: Nutcracker I cracked your knuckles. See, I told you. It's not very funny.

Question time.

Were Adam & Eve literate? Could they read and write? If not, who was the first to do so?

I've been thinking of this nonstop for about 24 hours and it's driving me bonkers.

The First Post Ever. Of 2009.

2009-01-19T22:14:00.014-07:00

I haven't blogged in over a month. It's driving you all crazy. It's like those cliffhangers at the end of the first episode of a two-part show. Here's a few things of note:

1 - I added the visitor map of the Notorious B.O.D. Nation on the right. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, it's the thing at the top right that's a map. I stole this gizmo from Steph. Since I didn't get a chance to meet George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and William Clark, I can confidently say that Steph is my favorite Virginian. However, Wayne Newton is a close second.

2 - The guy below sat in front of me at the Las Vegas Bowl.

3 - My younger brother Jeff got married! Congratulations to him and Melanie! The best part is that I get two new nephews! And we all know who their favorite uncle is! (I realize that I shouldn't have put an exclamation point at the end of the last sentence, but I wanted to go 4-4.)

4 - I went to Dallas last weekend and stayed with Ryan and Brooke. Saw the Jazz lose to Dallas. A few of the trip highlights:

a) My flight had a lady who smelled like Taco Bell to my right. On my left was a young mom with a brand new infant. The baby was screaming for the first ten minutes on the plane. Not exactly ocean noises that will ease you to sleep. So I did what any guy my age would do. I waved my hand like Obi Wan Kenobi and said to the baby in my head, "You will be sleep the entire flight." Hot bacon. The baby went quiet! Critics would argue that the mom was the main reason (100% of the reason) the baby calmed down, but the Force was strong with this one.

b) I hate the locks in public bathroom stalls that don't really lock all of the way. The bolt doesn't go all of the way through or something. Here's another reason to hate those locks. During my layover in Denver, I had to go. I came across one of those locks, but I didn't exactly have time to go on reconnaissance mission to find a bathroom with a better lock, so I gambled. Well, the squeaky door starts to slowly open. Biff. I look up and some guy is standing there making eye contact with me. Double Biff. Hey buddy, take a picture it lasts longer. Actually, don't take a picture. That's kind of weird. I try to kick the door closed. I had to use some quantum physics with my legs to keep the door shut the rest of the time. The Force wasn't strong with this one.

c) I got to see Lee Harvey Oswald's grave. And his graveside buddy Nick Beef.

Is there a better name in the history of graves than Nick Beef? Nope. There isn't.

d) Of course I went to the grassy knoll, book depository, etc. If I lived in Dallas, I think I'd go there 3 times a month. I love that place. Here's the view behind the grassy knoll.

I did my best to leave a bunch of footprints and cigarettes. (Last paragraph in the Wikipedia entry.) Minus the cigarettes. Not the butts. It left its mark. I don't know what that means.

e) We went to some trendy cupcake place called Sprinkles. I guess famous people go there. Probably because they don't have a problem getting a second mortgage on their house to pay for the cupcake.

f) I saw Dubya's and Laura's new pad. For a million dollar home, I was expecting something a little bit bigger. The home doesn't have stories or levels. (How many of you thought of Kramer saying "levels" to Jerry?) It's just one story above ground. But I'd imagine it's still a full-time job dusting that house.

g) Ryan took me to this super fancy grocery store. I think he wanted to show me the impressive array of overpriced foods and the plethora ritzy foods. But, perhaps he wanted to show me there are stores you can purchase food that don't have the word "taco" in the title.

Thursday Night Thoughts

2008-12-03T22:16:00.006-07:00

Yeah, I just realized it's Wednesday. I don't feel like going back and changing it.

Here's what's been going through my mind tonight:

1 - I'm watching Trailerama right now. They show previews of movies for 30 minutes. The greatest idea ever. Anyway, Live Free Or Die Hard is on right this very second. It still is the Gone With The Wind of our generation.

2 - I hate The Eagles. I can't italicize hate enough in that last sentence. I love music from that generation more than most. The blame for my hatred is placed on my teenage years being Arrow 103.5'd. That means Arrow 103.5 played them so often I feel like myself getting sick anytime I hear them.

Arrow 103.5'd is similar to being Shawshank'd. TNT played Shawshank Redemption so many times that I won't be able to watch that flick for a long time. The big difference is that Shawshank is a good movie, The Eagles, well....

3 - This one has bugged me for a while. I like Baby's in Black. It's a good little Beatles song. But the shuffle button on my iPod thinks I have to hear it every time I use my iPod. Enough is enough.

4 - Chicken in a Biskit are great crackers.

5 - The preview for Rush Hour 3. I'm not afraid to admit it. I like these movies.

6 - I like that my house is at 66 degrees right now.

7 - I had a dream. It didn't involve Memo Okur this time. Sabado Gigante had a joke writing contest. If they liked your joke, they will read it on the air and you will be hired as a comedy writer for the show. So I submitted the joke. The guy on Sabado Gigante read my joke! Here it is:

What did the Spanish speaking guy say after he got hit by two golf balls? Fore and fore is oucho!!!!!

Believe me, it got more laughs in my dream than it is right now.

Buenas Noches, amigos.

"Next Blog"

2008-11-24T15:25:00.006-07:00

I hit the "Next Blog" link at the top of my page. It takes you to random blogs out there in the world of blogging. Most blogs are not in English. I thought they were kind of cool to check out and pretend like I knew what they were talking about. These people live awesome lives when I'm making up what they do.

I found this tool. It will translate any web page to English. Well, after using this tool it looks like foreign blogs are as boring as English blogs, but I'll still read them because that's what we do. Read blogs no matter what they talk about.

It's time to hand out some love for my foreign readers. USA tops the charts with the UK #2. Germany is holding their own at #3 with 57 visits. I guess the Germans love Bodily Functions as much as they love David Hasselhoff.

Here is the complete list:

1 United States

2 United Kingdom

3 Germany

4 Canada

5 Italy

6 Australia

7 France

8 Sweden

9 Austria

10 Netherlands

11 Poland

12 Brazil

13 Portugal

14 Ireland

15 Estonia

16 Mexico

17 Spain

18 Turkey

19 Norway

20 Greece

21 Belgium

22 Hungary

23 Indonesia

24 Denmark

25 Finland

26 Switzerland

27 Slovenia

28 United Arab Emirates

29 Vietnam

30 Argentina

31 Czech Republic

32 Taiwan

33 Chile

34 Philippines

35 Cyprus

36 Lithuania

37 Bosnia and Herzegovina

38 Croatia

39 Colombia

40 Bulgaria

41 Ukraine

42 Egypt

43 Romania

44 Dominican Republic

45 Panama

46 Malta

47 Iceland

48 Serbia

49 Russia

Three thoughts:

1- I didn't realize I had the Malta demographic. I better cut out my Maltese Falcon jokes so I don't lose them.

2- Russia is last? Really? After all of my talk about mustaches how is Russia not at the top of the list? They are to mustaches as Abe Froman is to sausages.

3- You've asked for it. More David Hasselhoff.

I Dropped My Phone. In The Toilet.

2008-11-21T15:31:00.004-07:00

What a debacle. I dropped my phone in the toilet. Dropped isn't the best word. It was more like a 95 MPH fastball. I swung my hand around and the phone just flew out of my hand with a big splash and hit the bottom of the bowl. I guess I should call it a sinker ball. Aheyoooo.

No, the bowl was clean. It didn't look like the swimming pool at Lagoon before they made Lagoon A Beach. I sent it off to NASA so they could use special anti-toilet chemicals to clean the phone.

Speaking of which, one of my companions in Roxbury had some issues related to the bathroom. Before we went out one day, he said he had to go. I sat on my bed waiting for him. He was in there forever. He could've read my Mao book front to cover. I heard him flush. Again. And again. And again. He opened the door and told me to come over.

Not the best invitation in the world. He had clogged the toilet, but yet kept flushing. The bathroom was tiny so there was standing toilet water about a 1/2" deep. He kept flushing. I sloshed through and turned the water off from the wall.

I began to explain to him why his idea of constantly flushing wasn't working when I heard the sound of water falling. I went down the stairs and saw his dirty toilet water flooding our kitchen. Neat. I tried to catch the water with buckets and pots. Eventually the water stopped and I began cleaning up. Because his poo water was all over the kitchen.

A few minutes later he came downstairs and wanted to know why I was such a clean freak.

What a debacle.

80 Days of My Life

2008-11-16T23:26:00.006-07:00

A few weeks ago I joined the Facebook world. I used to think the only purpose of Facebook was to spy on people and check out their hot friends. Thanks to this thing called the internet and super technology, I can answer trivia questions.

I've been diving in the Jazz, BYU, and MASH trivia questions. I've answered all of the Jazz trivia questions that have been submitted. How many is that you ask? Well over 1,000. Yep, Facebook is fun.

I started tackling the MASH questions a few days ago. I dominate the dojo. I decided to put my useless MASH knowledge to a test with Dan. Here's the deal: I answer the next 20 questions. If I get 19 or 20 correct, he takes me to Tucanos. If I get 18 correct, he takes me to Chuck A Rama. Yep, Chuck A Rama. 17 is a push. If I get 16 correct, I take him to Chuck A Rama. If I get 15 or less correct, I take him to Tucanos. How did I do?

Hello, I'm Hugh Downs. And I'm Barbara Walters. This is 20/20!!

Dan decided he will never challenge me in a trivia contest again. (See what happened in our Jeopardy contest in my archives.) We started talking about how many times I've seen each episode of MASH. A very good question. I figured I've seen the final episode three times start to finish. My calculations say a teenage number is how many times I've seen each individual episode of MASH.

Let's figure out how many hours I've spent watching MASH. We'll say I've seen each episode 15 times and the finale 3 times. There are 256 episodes including the 2.5 hour finale. So 3 * 2.5 hours = 7.5 hours. I've seen 255 episodes 15 times. So 255 * 15 = 3825. 3825 * .5 hours = 1912.5 hours. 1912.5 hours + 7.5 hours = 1920 hours.

1920 hours is 80 days. 80 days of my life have been spent watching MASH.

Mustache Alert

2008-11-11T23:07:00.005-07:00

The World Beard and Moustache Championships were a few days ago. Here are some pictures of guys that won't bet getting a date for Saturday night. My favorite is picture #6 because he looks like an older version of Arvid from Head of the Class. Which one do you like?

And in other reasons why I'm not married news, I sometimes text a few people backwards. I don't know why. Maybe I've watched Da Vinci Code or Sneakers too many times. Actually, it's physically impossible to watch Sneakers too many times. I guess it's because I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I came across this clip from Johnny Carson of a guy talking backwards. (Side note - his cadence reminds me of Paul Simon.) Start watching it at about the 3:50 mark. It's no Ed Ames on Carson, but it's pretty entertaining even for those who don't text backwards.

Passionate Political People Provide Problems

2008-11-03T21:23:00.002-07:00

This alliteration is provided by the guy I talked to in the elevator at work. He asked me who I'm voting for. I told him who. (It rhymes with Schmccain) He then told me stupid people like me are the reason this country will never change. I said I'll try to remember that.

It seems that he's causing more problems for his candidate because he's too passionate. Easy big fella. My vote is just as important as yours. Not more. Not less. Telling me I'm an idiot won't make me change my mind.

However, Monday Night Football might. They interviewed each candidate during halftime. They asked each candidate what they would change in sports. The POW said the boring answer of getting performance enhancing drugs out of sports. I agree with him. But please. That's all you got?

The other candidate (rhymes with schmobama) said he wants a playoff in college football. Hallelujah. It's about time someone tackled an issue that actually means something.

Campaign Ads

2008-11-02T01:59:00.021-06:00

Before I get into the beef of this post. I've made appearances in two blogs. Nikki and Karen. It's always a good day when you make an appearance on another blog. They have pictures of me. And no, I'm not the donkey on Karen's. Take a gander. Their blogs are definitely ranked in the top 2 blogs that have been mentioned in this paragraph. Oh but seriously, folks. They're a good read. Check 'em out. No, not like that. They're married. Man I'm on fire. Rim shot city. I can hear the Johnny Carson music right now.

Anyway, I came across some ads from winning presidential campaigns. It seems that all of the ads before Eisenhower's campaign are missing. That doesn't make sense. They're probably with the 18 and a half minutes missing from the Nixon tapes and the missing MASH episode where Colonel Flagg investigated the camp to figure out why people thought Margaret was attractive. It's pretty bad when Klinger looks better than you in a dress.

I'm sure no one will watch all of these. But they're interesting. Too bad the catchy jingles from the earlier ads have gone by the wayside. I like the narrator in Reagan's ad. He can narrate my life. "It's morning again in America. Scott starts thinking about what do eat for lunch. Betos sounds good. So does the Wingshak..."

The last few are some of the most important commercials in the last fifty years.

Eisenhower

Kennedy

LBJ

Nixon

Carter

Reagan

Bush

Clinton

Bush

Three's Company

Brady Bunch

Perfect Strangers

Oh Cousin Larry. Don't be rediculous.

Who Are These People?

2008-11-01T15:15:00.004-06:00

I drove by McDonald's last night. It was packed, the drive thru line was to the street.

How does that place sell food? What I mean by "food" is "a substance that you can eat that may or may not have been made for consumption". I've lived on this earth for 65+ years. I only know of two people who don't speak ill of McDonald's. Dan and Ross. I'm not sure their allegiance is that strong. Who goes there on a regular basis? And what I mean by "a regular basis" is "once in the last two years".

Breakfast doesn't count. Those Sausage Egg McMuffins are good. Really good. If they served those all day, it makes sense that the place would be packed.

I went to a Cubs game this summer. It started at noon and we went to the McDonald's across the street around 10:30. Yep. It was packed. They stopped taking breakfast orders at 10:30. Riots broke out. I thought Hubert Humphrey was the democratic nominee again.

I just don't get it. Are they serving breakfast all day now? I don't want to go in because if they're not serving breakfast all day, I would feel bad profusely vomiting all over Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar.

TV

2008-10-21T14:16:00.004-06:00

You may not know this. I haven't blogged for a few months. I haven't had anything entertaining to blog about. (Insert a "You've never written anything entertaining. Why start now?" line) I believe Karen told me to write about something that happened pre-blog life. I can't remember where I put my keys 30 seconds ago let alone a pre-blog story, so that's kind of difficult. Here goes.

Derrick and Karen stayed at my house a few weeks ago for a few days. One night they came back from visiting Derrick's Dad. We were sitting in my house talking. Derrick mentioned this was the longest he's been in a room with me where the TV hasn't been on. It couldn't have been more than about 7 minutes. We started to get nostalgic about the time we first met as freshman roommates at good old Robison 124.

I moved in before him. There wasn't a TV. Yeah, that's not going to work. I'd rather go without plumbing. So I went to Wal Mart to pick one up. I came home with the TV in my arms and that's when we first met. Oh the foreshadowing.

Fast forward to when I moved in with Spencer after the mission. Park Plaza Hotel & Casino. I don't know why we added "Hotel & Casino" at the end. In fact, I don't think anyone added that besides me. But it sounded good back then. Anyway, I move in. I've got my stuff situated. It's time to go watch some TV. No TV. So I made another trip to Wal Mart 3 years later to buy another TV.

I don't know how anyone can go without a TV. You might as well cut off the electricity if you don't have one. The only thing lights are used for is to find the remote so just don't have power.

Another TV moment from the Hotel & Casino. The Jazz playoffs were on. Background: We had a roommate who was infatuated with E-Bay and other things from the internet (ahoyo!). He had a great idea to record movies off TV and sell the VHS tapes on E-Bay. Yep, you read that right.

Back to the Jazz. It's a playoff game. I'm going to watch it. So is Spencer. And Brian. And anyone else who is deciding between a Jazz playoff game and Harry and the Hendersons on "Superstation". (He refused to call TBS "TBS". He called it "Superstation". There should be a rule in any Remote Constitution that states if you don't know the name of the channel, you can't record anything off that channel.) He HAD to record Harry and the Hendersons off "Superstation". (Another parenthesis comment. These shows had commercials. He was selling these movies with the commericals. So good. So so good.) I can't remember how that turned out, but I can guarantee we watched the Jazz game. There was either bloodshed, we told him we couldn't find "Superstation" channel, or we split a cable so we could record his show.

Did you notice the picture? The "Special Edition" of Harry and the Hendersons. The only thing worse than that is Harry and the Hendersons with commercials off TBS from 2002. Or maybe that is the Special Edition. Since no one has, does, or will own the "Special Edition" of Harry and the Hendersons, no one will ever know.

I Hunga For Unga

2008-09-18T09:18:00.000-06:00

Frockly: T-Shirt Giveaway

Milwaukee

2008-07-16T08:54:00.008-06:00

I went and saw Derrick and Karen last weekend in Milwaukee. I saw some baseball games, had some great laughs, and had great food. Here are a few side bars from trip that I thought were entertaining enough to post and not too "travel loggy". In fact, they wouldn't make it into anyone elses travel log but mine.

We went to Sprecker Brewery. People really like beer I've decided. The best part: free root beer at the end of the tour. Worst part: Laverne and Shirley were MIA, but there was a glove riding on a bottle through the bottling line.

The flight back was interesting. It was delayed about a half hour because the Cincinnati Reds were using our gate for their charter flight. I've never liked the Reds that much for no apparent reason, so I was half hoping I'd miss my connecting flight in Cincinnati so I can have a valid excuse to have hatred against the Reds. Well, biff. I made the connecting flight in Cincy. Why do bad things like that always happen to me? Just one break is all I want. Anyway, I did get to see Griffey and Adam Dunn aka Will Farrell. Tell me they weren't seperated at birth:

Will Farrell

Adam Dunn

They look so much alike you didn't even notice I switched their pictures. Told you.

Back to the plane ride. I was on the front row of the puddle jumper to Cincy. The stewardess was not looking good. She was hacking up her lungs left and right, looking like she was going to pass out. Let's just say I passed on the complimentary food, beverage, and plague.

The pilot, however, was lookin' good. I haven't seen very many female pilots, but she was definitely the most attractive pilot I've seen with the possible exception of Randy Quaid in Independence Day.

The guy next to me was a strange cat. He looked like the singer from Canned Heat. Not Hot Hot Heat, the group that all of the kids listen to these days, but the hippy group from the 60's. (If you actually watch that clip, check out their sweet choreography starting at the 40 second mark.) He had a thick British accent and his teeth didn't do anything that will quiet the British / bad teeth stereotype. You can take a close up picture of this guy's teeth and say it's Goblin Valley. No one would know the difference.

That guy's teeth

I'm not done with this guy. The best part: he was wearing a Designing Women shirt. Designing Women. Even I hate that show.

I didn't get matched up very well from Cincy to SLC, either. The guy next to me looked like a cross between Earl C. Tingey and Gregg Popovich. He didn't have the massive acne scars that Popovich has, but he still had his moments.

He feel asleep immediately. I look over at him and he had his drool on. He was forming two lakes of drool on his upper chest and arm. It was like a two-layer lake with connecting waterfalls. Something that would be cool to have in your back yard if you're mega rich, but water instead of drool.

So he was out when the the stewardess came by with the beverage cart. 20 minutes passed and he awoke violently and started talking towards the aisle. "Diet coke no ice. Diet coke no ice." The only problem was that the stewardess wasn't there, and neither was anyone else.

Bikes

2008-07-02T15:10:00.010-06:00

I have no ill feelings towards bikes. I have no ill feelings towards people who ride them. But it's a bike, not a car.

There isn't anything worse than a dude in the left turn lane on a bike. Seriously? You can't use the crosswalk? When you park, do you parallel park into the slot where you put the tire in the rack? (Thanks, Conrad.)

And are you in the middle of the Tour de France? Why the spandex and yellow jerseys? A regular t-shirt and shorts won't cut it while you take that left off of University to Bulldog? Will that thousandth of a second make or break it when you finally reach your destination?

I want to be like them. When I drive, I'm going to wear a helmet, have that black net over my window, put sponsor stickers all over my car, and have a pit crew on site where ever I go. I'll stop at a red light, the guys will get out and change my tires before it turns green.

I will bust out my football pads and helmet everytime I go throw the football.

Using the bike hand signals is a must situation when your pushing your shopping cart at the grocery store.

Speaking of bikes, I tried to penetrate the motorcycle community a few weeks ago. I noticed all of their members wave at each other as they pass each other on the road. Well, I tried waving at them. They didn't wave back. I wish these walls of prejudice can be torn down so we can wave freely.

My yard finally got some flowers in it over the weekend. I bought a rose bush and stopped with Jimmy at Arctic Circle on the way home. My hands had dirt all over them, but they didn't have a bathroom. So I just washed my hands in the soda fountain. Not ideal, but it got the job done.

More mustaches:

Jason Giambi

The Iron Sheik

How he was left off in the beginning is one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Yes, he has a beard. But he's the key to world peace. I know tensions are high with Iran right now. Maybe Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the Iron Sheik can settle this dispute in the ring.

YouTube Mustaches

2008-06-20T00:11:00.002-06:00

Emily sent me these clips. They're short and funny. The second one is just too good.

Mustache Fall Out

2008-06-14T13:19:00.006-06:00

I know I left off quite a few notable mustaches. Here's a few more that came to my mind as well as a few suggestions from others:

Hulk Hogan

Jake the Snake Roberts

I could have a whole category filled with wrestlers.

Nietzsche

Two thoughts: 1) He could grow a nice winter scarf with his mustache, and 2) his mustache looks like a buffalo.

Sinbad

I know. He has chin music going. But it's Sinbad. He's funny.

Conrad pointed out -

Brandon Flowers (The Killers)

Rivers Cuomo (Weezer).

Jim suggested -

The Micro Machine Man

Mario & Luigi

Wario

Emily liked -

Lando Calrissian

Geraldo Rivera

Wilford Brimley

This one is classic. He should win a lifetime achievement award simply because of his diabetes (pronounced: die-uh-beat-iss) commercial. I wonder if he could pronounce it correctly if he didn't have his mustache.

I've witnessed all forms of emotion from people looking at my mustache. Laughter, horror, embarrassment, and brotherhood.

The mustache community has welcomed me with open arms. I can add them to the list of communities where I have current membership. Here's my list:

Mustache Community
Blood Clot Community
Big Head Community
People Who Tivo MASH and Three's Company Community
People Who Drive Honda Accords aka 99.9% of the Population Community (pointed out by Dan)
Fantasy Baseball Community
Betos Community AKA The Male Community
National Treasure Community
Sinbad Community
Norm Peterson Community aka People Who Are Recognized When They Walk Into an Eating Establishment Community
John Lovitz Communty
Kevin Costner Sympathizer Community
People Born After 1950 Who Like Don Rickles Community

And yes, I still have it. I've got to admit it's getting better. A little better all the time. It can't get more worse. I have to admit it's getting better. It's getting better since it's been mine. Getting so much better all the time.

I'm Growing a Mustache

2008-06-04T21:59:00.013-06:00

You heard me. I've had it for a few days now. There are a lot of mustache haters out there. "A lot" means 100% of us. I think it's time we look at Famous Mustaches in History through various categories. Here goes.

Tyrannical Nutjobs

Josef Stalin

Why not start with the coolest mustache ever? Look at that thing. Kids should grow up hoping that can grow something remotely close to that.

Adolf Hitler

Quite possibly the worst documented mustache in recorded history. Another bad thing about Hell would be the possibility of running into him and seeing that stache in front of you.

At least John Lovitz drove his car in Rat Race. By the way, can you name one bad thing he's been in?

People think Oscars, being in a quality movie, or acting skills make you a good actor. Psshhht. Please. Have you seen the luggage scene in Rat Race? Money. He carried Benchwarmers on his back. Not too many people can say that. I would dare say that Sean Connery and Robert Redford wished they had Lovitz's career. Paul Newman would give up all of his salad dressings for half of the supreme ability of Lovitz.

Saddam Hussein

Just because you're a murderous dictator doesn't make you all bad. Well, I guess it does. But he does share my birthday and love of Doritos.

U.S. Presidents

Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)

Look at that thing. It's beyond mustache cool. That thing looks like it's about ready to turn into something from Star Trek IV. It's that good.

Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897)

I always remember that Grover Cleveland was the 22nd and 24th president by thinking that the Cleveland Cavaliers always double teamed Michael Jordan. Get it??

William Howard Taft (1909-1913)

He looks a lot like Grover Cleveland. But it could be their mustaches. Or they both liked buffets.

Music

David Crosby

This mustache gives Stalin's a run for his roubles.

The Beatles

How cool do they look?

The defense rests, Your Honor.

Paul Simon

He had some pretty sweet hair, too, back when he had hair.

James Taylor

Speaking of people who once had hair.

Sports

Larry Bird

No wonder why he was so good. His opponents would just stare at that thing in awe.

Rollie Fingers

That's a lot of ear wax to get that to happen.

Mike Ditka

I love how bad he's forcing that smile.

Television

Cliff Clavin

You can't say enough good things about Cliff. Good meaning bad. Gotta love him.

FYI - It's a little known fact that Cliff was in Empire Strikes Back.

Magnum P.I.

Growing a mustache is now the 2nd thing I have in common with Magnum P.I. along with my short shorts.

B.J. Hunnicutt

If you turn to MASH and B.J. has a stache, there's a 96.8% chance the episode will be a debacle because they're taking themselves too seriously. It's not a 100% because of few and far between episodes like the Marilyn Monroe episode.

And all of the mustaches lived happily ever after.

I know I left some prominent mustaches off the board (see Mr. Belvedere). But this has turned into the longest and most pointless blog I've done thus far. It needs to come to an end. Like my mustache.

iPod

2008-05-18T23:46:00.002-06:00

I bought an iPod on Saturday. This is my first one. 2002 called and said thanks for showing up. The first song I heard was Helter Skelter by the Beatles (who else). Sweet. The second song was
Revolution #9. I got dizzy with different sounds going into each ear. I didn't realize there was a health risk with an iPod.

I had my fly down Thursday morning until about 2:30 in the afternoon. No wonder why I thought it was breezy. Who knows how many people saw it and didn't say anything. I'll throw this out there and if you don't like it you can bounce it back to me. We'll call this an open fly policy. If you notice my fly is down, let me know.

Speaking of embarrassing, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home was on a few times this weekend. I like that movie. There. I said it. I'm not afraid to admit I like Star Trek movies. I never really watched the TV show, but the movies are entertaining. It's not National Treasure, but it's still a good bang for your buck.

Eastern Swing

2008-05-11T01:52:00.002-06:00

I’m back from DC, Philly, Allentown, and NYC. Here are the highlights in my favorite – bullets:

• Ford’s Theatre was closed. I’ve been to DC about 5 times and still haven’t seen it.

• Drove to Mount Vernon. Probably my favorite historical thing on the trip. You have to admire George. He would get up at 4:30 AM every morning. Keep in mind he didn’t have TV, which means there were no CHIPs episodes to wake up to watch. Who knows why he’d get up so early if CHIPs wasn’t on. But seriously folks, he was ok that George. By the way, wouldn’t it be better if after someone says a joke before their talk or testimony at church, they have to say, “but seriously, folks”? Am I right or am I right? If they’re looking for a laugh that’s how they’re going to get it.

• Harpers Ferry is cool. John Brown had the coolest beard ever. Check it out.

• Gettysburg has a lot of plaques. And I have an idea - Why don’t you keep your visitors center open past 5. That might please those who drive to the middle of nowhere to see it.

• Special thanks for Brenda and Tom for letting us stay at their house for a few days. We got to play with the kids, be there for Hyrum’s blessing, and go to Independence Hall. I drove their minivan back from Philly. I figure I’m ready to be a dad since I’ve now driven one of those. Except for the no kids part. And the no wife part.

• We saw David Letterman. I think he’s great. A billion times funnier in person. He always takes his jacket off in the commercial breaks. There was a bit where this guy dressed as Mark Twain would tell old jokes that I would find hilarious. It was, and Dave was laughing his butt off during the bit. I knew he had a sense of humor.

• Another special thanks goes out to Jason and Erica for letting us stay at their place. Jason worked his magic again and got us great seats to a Yankees game. Right behind home plate in the lower section. And yes, it was great. The Yankees lost.

• Jason bought some diet cherry chocolate Dr. Pepper. The flavoring was so confusing that I didn’t know what to think. As Nancy Reagan taught us, “just say no” if anyone offers you some.

• We walked through Battery Park to see the Statue of Liberty across the water. Some stupid bird crapped on my shoulder. I guess he wasn’t on my shoulder, but my shoulder was bombarded from above.

• We went through the American Sports Museum. It was their grand opening and we got in for free. It was cool to see. But not $27.00 cool enough, which is the general admission price.

• I watched National Treasure 2 on the plane back to SLC. (I finally saw Ford’s Theatre. It’s at the beginning of the movie.) It wasn’t as good as the first, but you really can’t duplicate perfection. I know I’m the only one on the National Treasure Fan Club Train. They could make 27 of them and I’d watch them all.

Belated Easter

2008-04-29T17:02:00.003-06:00

Had the annual Adult Easter Egg Hunt. I posted about this last Easter. Came out with $35 bucks! I was quite impressed with the cleverness of Pops. He spray painted the eggs to coordinate with where he was hiding the egg. Put them in a bucket of water, taped one to a tarp, in an actual birds nest, taped to the bottom of a garbage can, lawn mower bag, etc.

I have a problem with jinxing teams I like. The Jazz haven't won the finals because I wish for it every year on my birthday. Well, not this year. Keep your fingers crossed.

I'm heading out of town again Thursday. DC, Philadelphia, NYC. I went to Arlington a few years ago with my mom and grandpa. I had some excess change. I wanted to get rid of it so I tried paying part of the parking fee with quarters. They wouldn't accept it. Hmm. That's a mystery. I missed that story in the paper about federal establishments not taking federal currency.

I'm going to bring them a white cloth bag with a dollar sign on it full of pennies this year. Take that, Arlington. Take that.

Brooms

2008-04-23T08:45:00.004-06:00

I talked to my Grandpa on Monday before the Jazz game. He said he was on his way out the door to buy a broom because the Jazz are going to sweep the Rockets. Gotta love it.

This song is for T-Mac and his grouchy, pouty face:

Karen had this typing test on her blog. Here's how I did:

99 words

Speed test

I'm out of breath from trying to break the 100 wpm barrier. It's my White Whale.

Playoffs

2008-04-17T15:35:00.002-06:00

Jazz in 6. Memo will make money shot. And Deron is good.

Song of the day brought to you by Paul Simon and the Beach Boys:

Mitt is Kinda Funny

2008-04-17T09:10:00.003-06:00

Check out Mitt's zingers:

Jason sent me this one. It's good:

And the song of the day:

I'm Back. From Boston.

2008-04-16T16:13:00.002-06:00

Here's a few moments:

- I probably slept an hour on the red eye. Not the best.

- We checked into the hotel right after we landed. I had to do some work for The Man. Of course I'm going to have the TV on. Jerry Springer was on. I haven't seen any Springer in years. They had puppets on the side. Kind of strange. That's nothing compared to the man who had a head, two arms, and it looked like half a torso. That's it. He's a hired hand (hands if intending a pun) for the show that pulls the chair away when the people brawling. I couldn't stop watching. How the heck does that guy go to the bathroom?

- They're re-doing the Boston Tea Party site. Biff. That knowledge could've come in handy before we walked over there.

- The games were awesome. A tri-tip steak sandwich and the Fenway franks are choice. For the final few innings we moved behind home plate. It's a completely different game in person when the players are 15 feet from you.

- The place goes nuts when Papelbon comes in.

- Going to games at Fenway are amazing. However, large people don't sit comfortably. Frodo would love the leg room.

- We saw a teenage boy misjudge a fly ball and get popped in the face. Not a good situation.

- I love the accent.

- I love Manny.

- We took the red line down to Quincy to check out John Adams' house. It's closed for the winter until April 19th. Double biff.

- I could go on, but I won't. I'm thirsty.

Forecasts and Shout Outs

2008-04-08T18:11:00.004-06:00

Boston forecast:

Thursday: High 64. Forecast is cloudy with 20% of chance of rain.
Friday: High 53. Forecast is cloudy with 20% chance of rain.
Saturday: High 44. Forecast is rain with 70% chance of rain. Biff.

I've received two shout outs the past week or so. Nikki and Karen.

Shout outs in a blog are sweet. It's somewhere between:
1) Being on TV in the background of a prominent late night talk show
2) Quoted in a story written by your roommate in the Daily Universe because you like to play Madden
3) A shout out from the President in the State of the Union Address.

I've experienced everything but one of those events. (Do you think you can figure out which one hasn't happened to me? (Please say you can. Please. (By the way, I just did a double, make that a triple (). (Now it's a quadruple ().)))) I can say without hesitation a blog shout out would top that list. Except being quoted in the Universe about my Madden playing.

Thanks, Dave. You made my mom proud.

Rain

2008-04-02T14:49:00.002-06:00

I'm going to Boston next week to see a few Yankees / Red Sox games. The 10-day forecast calls for rain.

Debacle.

This rain is good:

Vegas

2008-03-25T10:00:00.002-06:00

I was in Vegas last week to watch some basketball. We stayed in a suite at new Venetian tower. We had 4 plasma TV's and one projection TV, and a pool table. Not too shabby. Ate like a king. Every day. Twice. We left Tuesday afternoon and got back late Saturday night. I didn't see sunlight for 5 days.

I woke up at 4 AM this morning. Nope, not for scout camp. The Red Sox started their season in Japan. They won in 10 5-4. I love Manny.

Movies, Etc

2008-03-18T09:36:00.003-06:00

I saw part of Encino Man last weekend. Brutal.

I saw National Treasure. Fantastic. I can watch that over and over and over and over.

I'm sure the vast majority of you didn't see Dennis Quaid on 60 minutes talking about his twins getting too much Heparin. Obviously my ears perked up since I've been on that. Check it out.

Googled Me-Self Again

2008-03-14T17:58:00.002-06:00

Try it out if you've never done it. I'm an interior decorator, performer on cruises, and a cop. Traditional things people think of when they think of me.

I came across the coolest one so far. There's a band in the UK called Dr Bodily Scott.

Can't beat that. The only thing cooler would have to be one of them being a member of the Blood Clot Brotherhood.

I Saved Daylight

2008-03-13T23:48:00.004-06:00

I can guarantee I saved more daylight than you did last Sunday. I'm sure all of you spent those precious seconds, maybe even minutes, changing your clocks to the correct time. Well I didn't. I didn't change my clock in October. So if you think about it, I saved more time than you did last year as well.

Take that.

Greatest Day of 2008

2008-03-06T14:06:00.003-07:00

My fantasy baseball draft was yesterday - AKA the greatest day of 2008. It would have been the 2nd greatest day of 2008, but February 3, 2008 is now a date which will live in infamy.

My top two picks:

Round 1

Ryan Braun - My love for him is on the unhealthy side.

Round 2

David Ortiz

I heard some celebrity birthdays today. Michelangelo, Ed McMahon, David Gilmour, Marion Berry, and Tom Arnold all have birthdays today. They're all out-done by the man, the myth, the legend:

Memo = $$

2008-02-28T16:06:00.001-07:00

The New Love of my Life

2008-02-28T15:43:00.002-07:00

So good.

Movies

2008-02-27T09:15:00.003-07:00

I saw Vantage Point over the weekend. I really liked it. Apparently it hasn't been getting good reviews. Whatever. I guess entertaining movies aren't supposed to be good.

Another entertaining movie: Night at the Museum. I watched it Monday night. Pretty good. Sort of a kid's version of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, except they don't travel through time, and you guessed it, takes place in a museum.

Finally, Fidel Castro stepped down recently. Say what you want about his policies, this clip is priceless:

That never gets old.

I had a Dream

2008-02-21T10:50:00.006-07:00

I had a dream the other night. I was playing basketball outside my house with all of my nephews and niece. On the grass next to us was a one-man bunker filled with tens of Nazi soldiers. One would occaisionally poke his head up and tell us to keep it down.

We go inside the house and I look out my window. The Nazis are attacking the neighbors house. I told Adam to go lock all of the doors. I picked up a rifle that magically appeared next to me.

I went back to the window and there's someone outside walking in the middle of the gun fire. He's trying to tell the Nazis to quit shooting. They stop and this person seems to successfully negotiate with the Nazis. Who was this person?

Mehmet Okur walked out in the middle of gunfire to stop the Nazis from shooting in my dream.

Regis

2008-02-20T08:47:00.003-07:00

I'm taking a trip back east with Jeff. We'll see the sights in DC, see my sister and her fam (including her soon-to-be new baby boy), New York to see a Yankees game and Letterman. I want to see Regis, too.

He cracks me up every time I see him on Letterman or some other show. I've never actually seen his show. The only part of his show I've seen is the Seinfeld episode where Kramer is there to promote his coffee table book and Kramer spits coffee all over the place.

Is seeing his show an appropriate thing for a straight man to be doing? I understand that no one will be as hip as me - except for Regis, of course - but I can live with that. What do you think?

I Know What I'm Doing on May 22

2008-02-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

I'm Your Density

2008-02-15T12:30:00.002-07:00

Two things.

I love that gadget I have that tells me the locations of people that check out my blog. Well, guess which country is #2 on the list after the US? Switzerland. 5 places would be cooler than that: Russia, China, Iraq, Krypton, and the forest moon of Endor. I don't know who is climbing every mountain over there, but maybe it's a Swiss Miss wanting to send me some leiderhozen.

The other thing.

Check out the George McFly / David Letterman link to the right. Holy crap. That guy is nuts. Maybe Darth Vader did melt his brain.

H20

2008-02-14T17:23:00.003-07:00

Everyone always talks about how you need to drink 8 cups, or 64 oz, of water a day. You know me, Mr. Healthy. I tried it out this week.

We have these red plastic cups at work. I'm downing 8 full cups of those each day. I've been guzzling water like it was Mountain Dew. Anyway, this afternoon I looked at the bottom of the cup. It said 16-18 oz. I've been drinking over 125 oz each day. Needless to say the flood gates have been opened. I make Niagra Falls look like a tiny creek. The secretary at my office must think I ate at Betos recently because of all of the bathroom trips I've had to make. It's like every half hour.

I googled to find some information on drinking 64 oz a day. Every article from a credible source I clicked on said that the whole 8 cups of water a day thing is a myth. The experts say there is no correlation with drinking that much water and being more healthy.

But they're wrong. The 64 oz of water a day thing has to work. They forgot to take into consideration the thousands of calories you burn while walking to the bathroom 54 times a day because you're drinking so much.

Strike is Over

2008-02-13T11:03:00.004-07:00

Your prayers have been answered. The Bodily Functions writers have reached an agreement with the Bodily Functions producers. Therefore, Bodily Functions is back, hopefully better than ever.

Mucho things have happened since I last blogged. Nothing earth-shattering, but the usual crap in my life. Games, sports, and the bitter, bitter agony of defeat. I went to the basement, as Jim Rome would say, and took a week off from all-things sports (minus the Jazz) since the Patriots lost. I turned on the radio and clicked on sports stories yesterday, but as Legolas said, "for me the grief is still too near." Amen, elf. Amen. I'm heading back to the basement.

Willard Mitt's loss doesn't help things, either. I hope this losing streak ends before the Jazz hit the playoffs. I can still dream. As long as it's snapped by November 22, 2008 we'll survive. (See previous post if you need help with the date.)

Back to Mitt. McCain doesn't spit out charisma or hardly any likeability. Yet, more so than Billary. Obama is nice to listen to, but I'm not interested in paying more taxes and the government having a finger in every aspect of the country. I don't know what to think.

On the home front, I bought new furniture and an entertainment center for my house. I think it looks a billion times better.

That's it for now.

4th and 18

2007-11-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

Here's my new ringtone.

I want to PUMP! You Up!

2007-11-21T11:13:00.000-07:00

BYU vs. Utah 2006

BYU vs. Utah 2001

BYU vs. Utah 2000

Go Cougs, and beat Sports Illustrated's Turkey #19. Dan pointed out that the best part about this is that Turkey #19 is right next to OJ Simpson, who is Turkey #18.

Quickies

2007-11-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

I went to the Jazz game last night.

I'm nervous for Saturday.

A good day today. Live Free or Die Hard is out on DVD. You might know it as The Gone with the Wind of our generation. It's a good day indeed.

Frank & Charles

2007-11-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

No, not Frank Burns and Charles Emmerson Winchester III, Frank Caliendo and Charles Barkley. If there are two truths to my life, I'm all about Frank Caliendo and Charles Barkley.

Conrad sent me this link of Frank doing Charles Barkley. It's so good I decided to escalate it from my links on the right to an actual post. Here goes:

In case you missed it, the Patriots are good. It's been in the papers.

Dream a Little Dream

2007-11-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

Before I get into my Dream a Little Dream, I was on the phone with Qwest and Directv for one hour this morning fixing my TV debacle. I called at work so I didn't have my account number with me. They couldn't look up my account number without the account number (direct quote) - not with my name or any other personal info. So if they don't know my account number, who am I gonna call? Ghostbusters?

Turns out that they had me paying another account. They tried to blame me by saying I used the wrong account number. I used their automated system, enter the account number off my bill, and the system verified everything when I pay. How is it my fault? They also said I have a D in my phone number so I can't use the automated system. What??? Do I call from a walkie-talkie? So that's my fault? First off, there is no D in the account number. Second, of course it's my fault. I wrote the automated system programming.

I let them know my feelings towards their automated systems and how it's impossible to get an operator. (It took 5 minutes for me to get one today.) The guy disagreed and said it's very simple. I offered to listen in while he called the system so I would know how to do it. He said he couldn't because he doesn't have an account number. Oh boy. We all know he can't look an account number up because he needs an account number to look up an account number!!!

Anyway.

Dream a Little Dream. It's this movie with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. It's not spoken of in the same breath as Casablanca or Die Hard 4, but for some reason, I love that movie.

Only ten people in this world like this movie. I use the word "like" very loosely - the meaning stretches from enjoying the movie (me) to sitting through it without turning it off before it's done or walking out of the room (Dan). The ten people are Jeff, Ross, Dean, Brent, Wade, Tom, Cody, Jim, Dan, and myself. I found another one.

Someone has put the entire movie on You Tube, dividing it between the scenes. Three thoughts. It must mean that:

- Corey Haim or Corey Feldman know how to use You Tube. Who else would put it up?
- If it wasn't one of the Corey's, someone else has seen it. Maybe they have information on the possibility of Dream a Little Dream 2 making it to DVD. I mean really. It's not on DVD? Condor Man is on DVD. Even Mars Attacks. Howard the Duck. Rocky V. I'm sure On Our Way Home has made the jump. No Dream a Little Dream 2? C'mon.
- There have been 9,882 views on You Tube. That means exactly 9,876 more people have seen it online than in theatres when it was released.

Bodily Odor, Debacle

2007-11-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

I got ready for bed tonight and I noticed that I had a little bit of BO happening. I'm proud of the fact that my deodorant keeps the BO away through bed time, considering I sweat when it's 30 below. So what gives?

Crap. Don't tell me I forgot today. Debacle.

In other debacle news, Qwest decided to not let Directv know that I've paid my bill. Debacle city. We've been without TV for going on six hours now. SIX HOURS. Directv's system was upgrading when I called originally at 6:30 PM. (Who decides to run an upgrade during peak hours???) When Directv was finally able to figure out what was happening, everyone of those idiots at Qwest were gone for the day.

I hate Qwest. Have you ever tried to call them and talk through their automated system? It cuts out half of the time and the system never understands anything I'm saying. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth???? C3PO knows the binary language of moisture vaporators and six million forms of communication. Even he can't get through on that thing. All I want to do is talk to SOMEONE!

Now you know why I'm blogging after midnight. What else am I supposed to do if I can't watch an episode of MASH to put me to sleep tonight? What should I do, read? In the immortal words of Ozzie Guillen, "Pssht. Please."

Keep me in your thoughts as I go through this trying experience without TV.

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to my visitor to my blog this past Tuesday from Hedingen, Switzerland. Keep it real von Trapp family. Keep it real.

Another One

2007-11-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

Here at the Blood Clot Brotherhood, we acknowledge all persons, male or female, republican or democrat, bad music or good music. Even annoying people are let in. We only ask that you get a blood clot.

Welcome to the Brotherhood, Nancy Grace.

D-Will's ESPN Commercial

2007-11-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

This is D-Will as a ninja.

BYU Blue

2007-11-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

I changed my blog around a bit. Some changes I like, some I don't. I like the video links, but not as much as the sports ones. Those are my daily reads, so it's easy for me to just log on and check and see if there's a new story. Granted, no one else finds joy in the sports links except for maybe Jason, but I don't really care.

I'm not a fan of the color. It could be worse (Ute red). I'm looking for a BYU blue color (what else??), but can't find anything. If you see a cool BYU blue out there, let me know.

A Cheesecake Factory opened up in Salt Lake last week. I received more texts, calls, emails, etc. from people congratulating me than I will when I get married. Maybe I should register somewhere.

I remember one Saturday afternoon a few years ago at about 4:30 in the afternoon when Ross and I decided to head to Vegas to hit the CCF. We drove down, ate, and drove right back. I think we got back at about 6 AM the next day. Good times.

Sox on Dave, Conan, Jay

2007-11-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

Papelbon on Letterman:

Big Papi on Conan:

Manny on Jay:

My Face Hurts

2007-11-04T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in the running with Powder for the whitest person in the country. For some reason I didn't think I'd get burned from the BYU game Saturday. Half of my face got fried which means half of my face is a nice dark red. I was wearing my sunglasses, so I have that cool "I just had a long day on the slopes" look to me. Or a racoon.

Speaking of red, my mom mailed me a story she read in a magazine on a plane. We have a new member of the Blood Clot Brotherhood. Drum roll please. It's one of the guys from Hanson.

(Sagebrush rolls by. A muffled cough in back.)

Not the most exciting member. But hey, the ten people who still listen to Hanson now know the dangers of blood clots.

Follow up - I got my Nixon book the other day. Cool autograph. I watched some show on him. Guess what he died from? Complications from a blood clot! Death is never a good thing, but I was secretly happy to hear the news.

And to sports. Huge win by the Pats today. They really had no business winning that game. Classic Tom Brady comeback.

Jazz

2007-11-01T09:54:00.000-06:00

To say I'm pretty pumped for the Jazz this year might be the understatement of the century. This is the perfect time of the year - BYU's still playing, Jazz have started, the Pats are in the middle of their season. Combine that with the Red Sox. Giddy up. Could you imagine the Patriots winning it all (not that big of a stretch) and the Jazz (I can dream) the same year the Patriots undefeated? Too bad BYU blew it against UCLA and Tulsa.

Like everyone else with a blog, here's my Jazz predictions:

1. The Jazz will finish the season 53-29.
2. Gira will be seen smoking on the bench.
3. Deron will be an all-star.
4. Jerry keeps his "fun" vocabulary from previous years.
5. AK won't be traded this year.
6. KJZZ will have a reality show revolving around Memo, AK, and Fez.
7. CJ will won't see any valuable minutes by December.
8. Larry's water works will be out of control when he eventually re-signs Deron.

Oh Yeah

2007-10-28T01:06:00.000-06:00

I had another "oh yeah" moment where you realize something you should've known a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It's one of those thoughts you have and then you say "oh yeah" where your voice is higher when you say "oh" and the "y" in yeah, and sort of drops a little on the "eah" part. Try it out. Oh yeah. See, you know what I'm talking about. The last "oh yeah" for me was the Wynn ephinany. Well, I had another one today.

During the commercial during the Red Sox game tonight, something sparked my thought to the movie Sneakers, which I watched again last night. I've loved that movie for years. A frequently-quoted movie in the Jeff-Ross-Scott repertoire lingo. (The best is James Earl Jones' line "I think I'm going to be sick.") I never made the connection that the movie has nothing to do with shoes, which means the title isn't referring to footwear. Even though I love the movie and have seen it 20 times, I just realized tonight that the movie title is referring to a bunch of guys who are sneaky.

Oh yeah.

Sneakers. Get it? I'm sure you did. In 1992.

On the Buffalo Wings of Love

2007-10-25T13:18:00.001-06:00

I went to this new joint in American Fork that makes only buffalo wings. I get a little tentative about new food places. I walked in and the first person I saw was Ifo Pili, from the BYU defensive line fame under Crowton. As soon as I saw him I knew they had to be good. And they were. By the way, you can buy 100 wings for something around $54.00. That's a party right there.

I haven't mentioned anything about the Sox yet. Go Red Sox. It'll be interesting to see if the Rockies can rebound from that thumping of game 1. I'm thinking the Sox will win it in 5.

Blood Clot Brotherhood sightings: Red Sox manager Terry Francona suffered through blood clots a few years ago. Rockies pitcher Aaron Cook, who will start game 4, had bloot clots as well. His was so bad he had to get a rib removed.

Final thought of the day. Do you wish you knew someone who bought an autographed Richard Nixon book off EBay? Well now you can stop wishin' because you know me! I won an auction of a signed Nixon book I wanted to buy. No dad, it wasn't a lot. The countdown at the end of the bidding was as intense as the BYU/Utah game last year. As the Jazz say, it was a "pure adrenaline rush".

Ventures, Thoughts, Dreams, Questions

2007-10-16T10:21:00.000-06:00

Ventures -- I went to Vegas last weekend to see the BYU game with some guys at work. That means I stayed at the Wynn. That means I stayed for free. That means I ate for free. Most importantly, that means I was able to watch TV while I showered.

Standing in front of us at the will call line was none other than BYU alum and 2003 Masters winner Mike Weir. He was a lot smaller than I imagined, even with the understanding of his small stature already. No, he was not wearing his green jacket.

Thoughts -- Getting to and from the stadium in Vegas trumps any debacle you have in recent memory. It's a debacle getting there and a billion times worse leaving. I remember when I went down with Derrick one year and I swear we walked through a time warp to the prarie dust bowl in the 1930's. Fantastic parking down there. We walked around that thing looking for his car for it seemed like an hour. Now that was a debacle.

Back to the Wynn. I realized last week that "Wynn" and "win" are homophones (is that the word?). I began thinking how ingenious it is for a casino to be named like that. The marketing writes itself, really. That led me to wonder if the Wynn knew this marketing gold mine. Then I realized they probably did and maybe that's one of the reasons they named the casino Wynn. It's a good thing I caught on sooo quick.

Dreams -- I had a dream the other night that someone called me about my MASH watching habits. It was brought to their attention that my goal is to get every MASH episode on my tivo and that I watch at least one or two episodes a day. Well these people wanted me to write a MASH Book for Dummies. Oh dang. How sweet would that be?? Too bad it's only a dream.

Questions -- There's this thing on my blog that gives me all sorts of reports like how many people go to the site, from what country and state, etc. The U.S. of A comes in first in the most visits by country followed by a tie for second with Portugal and India. Um, what? Who is checking out my blog from India and Portugal?

I've been trying to come up with a good joke to make about someone from Portugal and India. My immediate thought would have something to do with George Harrison with India and Columbus with Portugal. The Columbus association with Portugal is odd because they refused to finance his famous voyage and the fact he's not from there, nor is George from India for that matter. I'm not really seeing anything humorous enough to share to come out of those initial thoughts so I won't even make a stab at a joke.

Blood Clot Brotherhood Sighting #2

2007-10-11T15:48:00.000-06:00

I saw Jethro Tull (Blood Clot Brother) in concert Tuesday with Jeff (Blood non-Clot Brother) and Jim (Brotha). Ian Anderson, the lead singer, has been stricken with blood clots and he's actually done public service announcements about DVT's.

In case you missed it, Jethro Tull is weird. Check out his selection from his wardrobe he decided to wear in 1978. This clip makes him look more normal. Maybe not.

The people who attend his concerts have to be weird, right? Well, let's put it this way. Even though none were wearing capes, although one guy had a hat like Ian wore in the second clip, I'm not inviting any of them over to the house for a solitare tourney.

Jim posed the most excellent question: Would you want to date a girl you met at a Jethro Tull concert? That immediately led to us wondering about what it means that we went to a Jethro Tull concert. Probably isn't wooing a girl to her knees.

On a positive side, two thoughts:

-- Jethro Tull was sweet. It was a great concert.
-- Gramps said he stood off stage when they came to the Salt Palace in the early '70s. How cool is that?!? Nothing makes me more proud than to be named after him!

Brush With Greatness

2007-10-10T16:46:00.000-06:00

Last week I met up with Jason in Cincinnati to see his Cincinnati Bengals play my New England Patriots. The Patriots looked extremely impressive. It's like they were playing Madden and they were just toying with the Bengals the entire game. I got to see Tedy Bruschi play, who is one of the members of the Blood Clot Brotherhood -- more on the BCB in a later post. (What a cliffhanger I just pulled on you. I know you can't wait to read about that later down the road). Of course, there is no favoritism within the Blood Clot Brotherhood. I support all members, but it does help he plays for the Patriots.

I flew out Sunday night, did work in my hotel room Monday until Jason flew in later that day and went to the game. Since I'm staying in a hotel I needed the maid to perform her maidly services because I've realized that sleeping in a bed that has been made is a great feeling, although definitely not worth the effort of making it myself.

While she was up in my room, I took my laptop down to the lobby to continue to work. I had my BYU hat on (I didn't take my LA Looks gel because the bottle is too big for carry-on liquids and I didn't want to check my bag in) and I'm minding my own business. I hear someone say "nice hat" and I look up. It's Steve Young. Yes, that Steve Young. Let me rephrase my last thought so you can understand what exactly happened. Steve Young came up to me to say I had a nice hat. I didn't bug him, he approached me. So, in summary, Steve Young approached me. I think I've made myself clear.

So I shot the breeze with Brother Young for a few minutes. It was definitely one of the better moments of October, perhaps the entire "Summer of Scott". And no, I didn't ask him to sign my Nerf Turbo. Already taken care of.

4 Days...

2007-08-28T15:55:00.000-06:00

BYU football is so close I can't even sleep. Sunday night I couldn't sleep because I was so excited for it. I've been wishing since mid-June that I could hibernate until The Morning Breaks on September 1.

I've been thinking about how so happy I've been since late November of '06 and how miserable life would be if Harline didn't make that catch. It's amazing how one play changed the perception of everyone's opinion about the team, program, and my own personal health in general. The air seems cleaner, sky is more blue, doritos taste spicy nacho cheesier, and Mountain Dew seems to have a little bit more Dew.

4 more days...

Fenway and Then Some

2007-08-27T09:16:00.000-06:00

Fenway Park: I went to Fenway Park and Yankee Stadium last week. Good times. I liked Fenway a lot more than Yankee Stadium. Not because we had better seats at Fenway (the seats were sweet in NY thanks to Jason) but because it was a sauna at Yankee Stadium that day with the exception of no towels, no half-nakedness and we were watching baseball outside.

The highlight of all of the games we went to was David Ortiz' grand slam. Unfortunately, I was hitting my own "grand slam" in the bathroom at the time. I guess you can say the crack of Ortiz' bat happened exactly when my "splash" occurred. Can I say that in a blog?

Then Some: I bought a car this weekend. 2004 Honda Accord. 22K miles. Cruise control. V6. Cruise control. Black leather seats. Sunroof. Cruise control. 6-disc CD changer. Did I mention cruise control? I can't believe I went that long without it. Oh, power windows, too. Didn't have that before. I really did like my old car so it's not as bad as it sounds. It's not like I used my feet to stop like Fred Flintstone, although the blood clot foot would've loved that.

It's Fantastic

2007-08-21T15:42:00.000-06:00

Why hasn't Fantastic Sam's hired Arnold Schwarzenegger as their spokesman? Say the following in your best Arnold voice:

"Hello. I am Arnold Schwarzenegger and I am governor of the fantastic state of California. When I need a fantastic hair cut, I go to Fantastic Sam's. They are fantastic."

The material just writes itself.

Disgusting

2007-08-15T17:26:00.000-06:00

I just had a "dark" Snickers bar. Absolutely terrible. Why do they mess with perfection?