Remember When I Used To Blog?

I've had a few bloggish items in my life that have come and gone since I last jumped on my blog pirch. It's like all of you are waiting for the Bodily Functions Conclave and white smoke.

Yep, I made a Pope joke. And it wasn't even the classic "does the Pope wear a funny hat" joke that is just timeless.

By the way, other timeless jokes include:

- Asking the cashier if they take American Express or personal checks if there is a large sign saying they don't.

- Saying that 30 Rock is the best drama on TV.

- Saying that a non-sports fan on the front row of a basketball game is like Stevie Wonder at a silent movie.

- What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?

Anyway, I...

- went to Cincinnati with Jason to see the Jets / Bengals playoff game. It's butt cold in Cincinnati in January. Wasn't sure if you knew that. Jason and I eat well on these trips. Lots of steak and lots of buffalo wings. It never gets old.

- went to New Orleans with Joe for the Cardinals / Saints playoff game. Joe was crippled and I loved it. Got to be the first in line through security, great parking. Doesn't get better. Except Joe couldn't walk.

Jason is a die-hard Bengals fan and Joe is a die-hard Cardinals fan. I wasn't exactly good luck for them. I called my Ute friends and asked them if they wanted me to attend any of their football games next year.

- sat courtside to watch Jimmer take over against Utah. One of the better moments at the Marriott Center.

- sweet-talked my way into a free shirt at a BYU game. Only problem is that it was a size small. I tried it on when I got home. The jaws of life helped me get out of the shirt.

- had a dream where BYU solved their inside scoring problem by trading James Anderson to the Phoenix Suns for Amare Stoudemire.

- talked to my friend Shane and told me that he finds great joy when he googles something and his blog is the first result. I googled "blood clot" and "mustache" together in the same search and this blog was the third entry. Boo ya.

- realized the greatest day in the history of days is coming: my fantasy baseball draft. It's time to start thinking of ways to hide the fact that I love Ryan Braun from the rest of the league. I'm in big trouble if they search "blood clot" and "mustache" together.

I Love Me Some Fudge

Holy biff. Fudge is good.

If my arm was fudge I would gnaw on my arm all the days of my life.

2 questions:

Why is fudge restricted like bacon? It seems that all things delicious are rationed like it's WWII. You are never given enough. A man needs some man fudge, not some little kid fudge.

Why is fudge only available in December? There has to be a longer fudge harvest than 30 days. Obama has to come up with a fudge stimulus package. Hey, if we can't find jobs, at least we can eat fudge.

Sure, the general wellness of the world would shift to the side of portly. I know there's been a few fudge ripples in my pants, but it's worth it.

Another Pretty Good Little Saturday

A few thoughts from November 28, 2009.

-- Royal blue is my new favorite color. Actually, it's always been, but it's one of those things you forget you really like until it comes up again.

-- I hate how these games always come down to the end. I had 6 paramedic teams on call just for me.

-- There was this old guy who stood and watched the game on the walkway below us. He looked like he was from the planet Vulcan with eyebrows Lewis and Clark used as caches to hide food for their trip back from finding a water way to the Pacific.

I doubt he had a permit for his eye brows.

Andy Rooney thought they were out of control.

Of course I yelled some comments his way involving his Vulcan ancestry and the fact that he was a Ute. My favorite things spoken were:

"Your planet was blown up!"

"Beam up his eye brows, Scottie!"

"Live long and not prosper!" Yeah...I showed him!!

-- I love O'Neill. Either because he hit my roommate's car, or he broke that punt return and pulled a soccer flop with that fair catch interference call in the 4th.

-- The last thing I muttered to Joe before the final play:

"I hate this empty set formation."

-- Joe, Hall and I have hugged each other way too many times over the past few years.

-- I jumped onto the field after the game. You can see me on the highlight where George is crowd surfing. Flashback to the last time I rushed on the field. BYU vs. UCLA in the Vegas Bowl.

I jumped onto the field, ran around (by "ran" I mean not running, just kinda walking around), said good game to Lance Reynolds, said hi to Dick Harmon. Real tender moments. Went back to the Venetian, went out to eat, then back to the room. I then noticed right then that I had completely ripped my pants. Crotch all the way up my butt.

Now back to Saturday night. No rip in the pants. I guess I'm not that fat.

-- But, on second thought...I'm in the crowd of people on the field. Romney Fuga is pushing through. I slap him on the shoulder pad and tell him good game. He then pushes my back and tells me to help him out and lead the way through the crowd.

Remember, He's not Brian Logan. He's a nose tackle. 6'1" 305 lbs. And wearing pads. And he asks me to blaze a trail.

Hmm. Perhaps a salad or two is needed in the old diet. If it's topped with bacon, of course.

Bippity boppity bacon.

Unedited Rambling

I haven't blogged in a coon's age.

I went to my blog today and 17 people have checked it today! Crazy.

This entry, my friends, will be a stretch. I've been to New Orleans with Derrick and Karen (and Summer!), San Diego with Dave, and Vegas with Dan. All were memorable voyages for BYU games, but I can't really remember anything. I'm old, remember?

A few people (Brenda) said I need to get my butt in gear and blog about something. If this entry isn't up to par, blame those people (Brenda).

I've decided to jot down 5 thoughts that come to my mind. I'll keep typing with no backspaces or deleting. Let my huge head roll! Here goes:

1 - My flight back from San Diego was cancelled. Long story short, I had to rent a car and drive home. I called up Alamo and told the lady I'd like to rent a car. Her response was:

"What do you want me to do about it?"

So good.

My friend Clifford Clavin said, "If she was at the Alamo in 1836, we'd all be wearing sombreros right now."

I need an edit button on this thing. (Tommy Boy) Perhaps making dumb jokes will lead to a life like Cliff. Hmm. Interesting theory. I know I can come up with something better. How about...

I'd have better luck finding the basement at the Alamo than getting a car from her.

Yep, a Pee Wee's Big Adventure joke.

Much better. I mean it's Pee Wee. Pee Wee.

2- I went to Subway today for lunch. Dave ordered before me and got a 6-inch sandwich. The Sandwich Artist then asked both of us, "Would you two like anything else?"

Nope. We're going to split a 6-inch sandwich. 2 men will split a 6-inch sandwich. 2 men, who aren't small, will split a 6-inch sandwich.

3- Someone asked me earlier this week what I think about during the day. Excellent question. Real easy.

During my morning shower, I think about what I want for lunch in 5 hours. That thought process usually drags me out until I actually eat lunch. During lunch I think about either A) my fantasy baseball team, B) BYU football C) BYU's recruiting classes the next few years, and D) what sounds good for dinner. Thought D stays on the brain until I get home. I think about D some more. Then I eat dinner. The lunch thought process starts again except I think about lunch the next day instead of dinner.

4- I went to the Village Inn with James on Saturday. I saved my two strips of bacon for last. The waitress came over and asked me if I was done. What? I looked down to see if the bacon had magically disappeared off my plate. Still there. Of course I'm not done. Don't you see bacon still on the plate? Silly waitress. What kind of a question is that? I can't think of a better reason to fight someone than if they take your bacon. It's go time.

5- I'm hungry. Bacon sounds good right now.

A Pretty Good Little Saturday

I went to Dallas on Saturday to begin the Fall of Scott. What's the Fall of Scott you might ask? It's Scott going to every BYU game this fall.

What a great way to start the Fall of Scott. My personal record for the amount of men hugged in 5 minutes was shattered.

This is how Oklahoma Saturday went down:

I slept in. Woke up around 9:30 AM.

Joe picked me up at 10:25 AM. We drove to the Provo airport and we were in the air by 10:35 AM. Taking a private plane is the way to go. I was able to take my guns and didn't have to put my toiletries in a little baggy.

The plane ride was about 2.5 hours. We played some cards with my Chairman Mao playing cards I got from some friends who went to China.





We landed in a general airport a few miles away from DFW. I always like going to Dallas, but I just can't get used to the humidity. I sweat when it's 35 degrees. Use your imagination and think of me in 90 degree weather and 60% humidity.

After a stop at a BBQ joint, we went to the stadium.

Words can't describe the giant screen there. You can see the pores on the faces of the people. Here's a shot of the screen. Besides noticing how giant the screen is, notice the field goal post on the bottom left of the picture. Look how high the seats are at the top.



Here's a shot of the screen from my seat.



You can't even make out shapes of people in the picture on the other side of the field. This place is massive.

The view of the field from my seat.



Not a bad view.

In case you missed it, BYU won. Tears of joy. It was one of those moments that I'll never forget. Here's a few more pictures of the group and the team doing the Haka.







We flew back that night and landed in Provo around 1:30 AM. This is when the greatest Saturday ever had an unbelievable ending.

Apparently, we were the first plane into Provo from the game. The team flies directly into Provo. People were there waiting for the team to arrive. I don't know if the people thought the entire team fit into our plane, or they knew it would be funny.

The group started cheering and going crazy when we got off the plane. Sort of felt like we were The Beatles landing at JFK in 1964.

A great ending to a pretty good little Saturday.

Where's Kevin?

Let me share an appetizer before the main course for this weblog entry tonight.

I was home teaching tonight. It is the 31st, remember. I looked down and I noticed my socks. The left one was an ankle sock. The right one was a regular sock. I had gone all day with that combo. It's a good thing I have the legs to pull it off.

Now for the main course - Where's Kevin?

Kevin is my dad. Pops, if you will. Many of you have wondered where he's been. Some of you know his job is in Provo. Actually, it's in my ward boundaries. I've always thought he was working at Zoobies. I've seen a few ads around Provo hinting he's doing something different. Turns it he is Reza Athari: Abogado de Immagracion.

I Dropped A Foul Ball

I went to a Bees game with a pretty girl on Tuesday. 3rd row on the third base side. Pretty good seats.

I was talking to her about the time I went to Fenway Park and a 13 year old kid misjudged a pop up behind home plate. It missed his glove and hit him in the eye socket. There was a loud pop, the ball bounced up in the air, and the kid collapsed into his dad's arms. It wasn't a pretty site.

About 30 seconds later, the batter pulled a ball foul and it's heading right towards us. It wasn't a lazy pop up. This puppy was the Millenium Falcon making its jump to lightspeed. I didn't have time to think so I stuck out my left hand to catch it. It hit me right in the palm, there was a loud pop, and the ball bounced 2 rows in front of me.

Talk about feelin' like a tough guy. The crowd gasped and I got some serious man points by blocking the ball that was locked in on her face. It's nice to know in a moment of despair, I channeled my inner Secret Service protecting the President instincts rather than the George Costanza duck and run away for cover instincts.

Did I mention that it hurt? Of course I acted all cool like I was fine. It's not any better today. I can move my hand and fingers. But turning on a light switch is even a chore. I can't type with anything but my pinky and thumb and I can't grip anything.

I told James about it and we talked about how if I broke both hands and am unable to do any wiping activities, that's when I find out who my true friends really are. Let's just say he's glad my right hand is functioning and doesn't have to face that decision.

A Day in the Life

I read the news today oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
Although the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh

I'm watching Mall Cop today. I rented this from a Red Box on Friday. I still haven't watched it. I'm paying $7.00 to watch this. Ironically, that's the same amount the movie made at the box office.

A day in the life for me today consists of two stories. They're not that exciting. But you're reading, so I might as well write something.

I just got back from EFY with Jimmy and Danny. (I call FYE EFY. We are not attending EFY. Let's get that clear.) They've taken the Mr. Mac approach to customer service - hounding you as soon as you walk in the door. There was a big picture of Will Smith in the window as we were walking in, so I started to repeat the Will Smith line he says in every movie. Remember to say the L's in hell like an O: Oh heo no. Maybe I'm the only one who says it like that. But I like to say it.

Anyway, I'm repeating it a billion times as I'm walking in. The kid who looks and acts a lot like the kid at Krusty Burger was there at the door. I glance at him as I'm repeating the line to Jimmy over and over.

Apparently, he asked me if we needed help. My response:

Oh heo no.

Second story.

I was at the bank. A young mom was there with some 4 screaming kids. They wanted candy and she was trying to grab the candy jar. I helped her out. Hey, I'm a nice guy.

The jar was way small, and I have fat hands. I clenched my fist, so I couldn't get my hand out of the jar. The kids thought it was hilarious. I'm a riot.

The bank teller then tells me to unclench my fist and I can get my hand out.

Oh. Okay. Thanks. Couldn't have done it without him.